A very short synopsis of the last few months
I have been pregnant for a long, long time (it feels like 
In this picture I am 6 months pregnant, here with my boys and my sisters kids.
There has been ALOT of lying around on the couch during this pregnancy.
Shane made this gingerbread house during ayyam-i-ha with the boys from one of those kits that was sent over from Great grandma. The kids LOVED it.
The boys got matching lighting mcqueen jackets from Grandma, they are a very big hit around here!
After ayyam-i-ha ended, I set to work getting ready for baby. My sister and her daughter pulled down all the garbage bags full of baby clothes that we have been hoarding for the last 7 years. It was quite overwhelming and took me 4.5 hours to sort it all out and organize what I was keeping and what to get rid of.
Now 3 weeks away from Due date. I just have a few things left to get and clean and then we will be all ready for the birth of our new baby girl. I can hardly believe that it is almost here. I have had to simplify everything to the max this year, and had no leftover energy to blog, or paint or draw. I guess a lot of creativity goes into making a whole new person (and raising a family on top of it). I am so thankful that we have all made it this far and are still somewhat sane and healthy .
treebaby
This is my little tree baby. The little one now growing inside of me. I started this painting when I found out I was pregnant again, as a kind of visual reminder of where this baby’s life really truly comes from, and that I have no need to worry.
Of course that didn’t stop me from worrying, or rather from thinking that I was going to have a miscarriage every five minutes of the whole entire first 11.5 weeks of the pregnancy. Since my last pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I was absolutely convinced that this one would too- I know- it was very irrational thinking, but that was what I did, and it would twist up my stomach into a huge knot every day.
All that change a few days ago, very very thankfully, when I heard the baby’s heart beat for the first time. That steady little rhythm was like a mental life preserver, and I felt like I could finally hold onto something else (hope?) for dear life. I also felt a deeper connection to this little one and a new love. Mercifully, this heartbeat came around the same time as the nausea started waning and small amounts of energy are starting to return, so it truly feels like the dawn of the 2nd trimester.
The visual reminder that I was trying so desperately to believe, is that this baby in essence belongs of God, is nurtured by God, and is breathed life into and fed by God’s mercy and bounty. That I am just a surrogate, a carrier, and the material componant to this baby’s life. Because ultimately who is breathing life into me? Who is making my heart beat until it doesn’t anymore? We are all here for a reason and for a specific time, everything has a value and a purpose. I have to believe the same thing about this little baby growing in me. That God has a plan for this little child that is way beyond my ability to comprehend. I can trust that and find hope in that, and also detachment if something did happen to it that is beyond my control. To know that their life has value even if it were to be incredibly short and that maybe they were needed in the spiritual worlds beyond for a higher purpose.
I finished the painting yesterday, a week after I wrote the last blog post about the miscarriage. I think writing that helped me to say good bye to the last baby and to embrace this next baby. Olee my almost five year old son saw this picture and said, “Mom, who is that?” (referring to the baby) and I said, “Well, that is baby muffin” (the name Olee gave to the baby growing in me now), and he said, “But that doesn’t look like a girl!!!!!”, and I said, “Well your right, sorry about that.” Olee is absolutely certain that it is going to be girl because he really wants a baby sister. We shall see
death and life
O Son of the Supreme! I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light to shed on thee its splendour. Why dost thou veil thyself therefrom? ~Baha’u'llah
I took these pictures a while back, a little while after I had the miscarriage. I don’t think I was ready to post them then. But now it being the same week in my pregnancy as when I had the miscarriage the last time, I have been thinking about and feeling incredibly emotional about the baby who has passed and also about the new baby growing inside of me.
When I was going through the miscarriage I think I cried for a solid 3 day straight. The tears just kept coming like they were being poured through me from some where else, I had no control over them. In the beginning as the miscarriage was happening but I wasn’t quite sure yet, I was completely devastated and felt so lifeless and helpless. And then when the blood started coming in gushes and gushes I new that the pregnancy was all over and that the little soul had already gone to the next world, and that there was nothing I could do. That is when I could start to accept what was happening and feel a sense of peace that the baby was in going to a much better place. The tears had kept coming of course during that point, but they had changed from complete misery and fear, into an all encompassing heart exploding love for this little soul. It is interesting that after the miscarriage I felt exponentially closer to the baby then I had before, the baby was all around me, in every thought and so deep in my heart.
I knew that it had happened for some reason beyond my comprehension and that his little soul was needed somewhere else.
The incredible thing that happened very soon after, is that I had this huge surge of creative energy come and I felt inspired like I hadn’t in years and years. I went out and bought my own art desk and set up our room so I could have my own space to do art on. I went and bought watercolor paper and started drawing and painting again, like I haven’t in seven years. And from me starting to do this, my 4.5 yr old son Olee started to as well. Normally I couldn’t get him to draw one line an a paper, and then all of sudden he was drawing falcons, moose, viking boats, and all kinds of things. It was really amazing.
I really think it was our little star (that is what we call the baby who passed, coined by auntie chelsea) that was helping us and inspiring us with creative energy from the spiritual world.
After I took the pictures (seen above) and came home and was thinking about them, I really felt so strongly that with death comes incredible new life. For me, it was that this death brought a new creative life, and a deeper awareness and understanding of those who have also been through a similar loss.
And now I am cultivating new life again within me (in the form of a baby not just creative energy), I know that our little star is with me every step of the way, helping the tears of love and grief to flow, and bringing me comfort when I feel anxious about this next little one.
Thank you for listening, this is really good therapy for me to write all this.
pregnancy break :)
Well,
I am 2 months pregnant, and life has slowed to a near standstill. It feels like my limbs are all moving in slow motion these days and the couch is my favorite place to be. Therefore this blog is going to be taking a wee bit of a break (even though I have so many things to post) as my energy is going to growing this precious new soul and taking care of my other kids, my self and feeding my family. If there is anything left it is just enough to make it to the couch and pull the blanket over my head.
This pregnancy wasn’t planned, and since the last one ended in miscarriage, I am not quite sure what to feel about it, I am hoping that once we pass the 11 week mark (when the last one miscarried) I will feel a bit more relaxed about it. But until then, I guess I will just feel nausea, joy, uncertainty, love and detachment all mixed together in a big jumble.
Now time for a nap
Beach shells
A couple of weeks ago my sister and I and our kids went to Spanish Banks beach, which is 20mins drive from our house. We were fortunate to make it there at low tide. The beach stretched our for ever and ever. The boys had a great time and collected a whole bunch of shells to bring home.
When we got home, I set some of the shells out and did some ‘ blind contour’ drawings of them.
Then later I copied the one I liked the most onto watercolor paper with pencil and then pigma pen over top and then applied the watercolor paint. It was a really fun and simple exercise.
Viking ship
On Sunday, Shane, Olee, Will and I all went to a Scandinavian Midsummer festival. We went kind of inspired by Olee’s interest in castles and falconry, and that we were supposed to be going to a medieval festival, but shane got the days mixed up, so we went to this one instead (now Olee is really into Vikings!) The festival was awesome. Their were scandinavian people everywhere and they even had a viking village replica with real people dressed up how they would have back in the day with their canvas tents/boats/ and awesome viking things. What I loved about going through there, was that everything was made from the rich resources around them (or high quality things they plundered from their travels -but we won’t tell Olee about that part yet , they all carved wood, sewed leather, spun wool and traded their goods. What struck me about this was that everyone could make/do/ be apart of the community because they didn’t depend on getting their resources from some factory in China. Everyone grew up as an artist, artisan, warrior, etc. I really liked that part, and that everything was made by hand with care so that it would last. I also love the adventuring, traveling, toughness about the vikings, that they could handle any kind of weather/sea storm/environment and that they had a thirst for journeying to new lands in search of life. Needless to say I was inspired. When we got home I started sketching viking ships and then painted this one above. The shields represent the members of our family, including the little one in the next world.
I was thinking alot about a friend of mine who is originally from Norway but has moved abroad and is going through difficulties, she asked for prayers for her and her new family. This painting is dedicated to her. May the viking spirit help you on your journey dear one!
At the festival they had a little troll forest with little hoogli Norwegian log cabins. They are sooooo cute!!!! I definitely want to build one of them. They used sticks for the logs and put moss on the roof.
This picture was in the viking village, Olee tried on a ‘real’ viking helmet, but it was a bit too heavy for his head.
My parents are having their own Scandinavian adventure right now, and this is the real deal, I really wish I was with them!
Looking out my window
What is the meaning of all of this? I wish I could say. The black and white tempest of my soul are looking for life in the smallest cracks and smudges. I feel like I am on a journey and not really sure where it is going or what it is that I am supposed to be doing, but know deep down that it is important. That even though I feel blindfolded, with my eyes shut and the world spinning around me, I have a compass deep inside that is pointing me in the right direction, and though I can’t see past the glass of my own window, I can feel the truth beyond and it is calling for me to listen.
new bunk bed
Everyone is very excited about the new bunk bed, a gift from Grandma and Grandpa. We spent 3 hours yesterday putting it together, with help from my sister, olee, diego, shane (and the little ones mostly just tossed the nails around). At the end of the day I was still buzzing alittle from the experience, it was little putting together a huge puzzle. Today I came in the room and found Olee and Will reading together on it (when does that ever happen?). Olee decided not to sleep in it last night, maybe because Will wasn’t fully asleep yet, and when I came in to tuck olee in, Will was confused as to why we came in and started crying and screaming, which freaked Olee out and then Olee ran out and that was the end of that. We will see when and if he ever decides to sleep on it, but fun to play on none the less and I am sure eventually he will???.
The bunk bed idea was spurned on by the fact that my parents are coming to visit for 3 weeks and they will be staying in Olee’s room. That means olee will either decide to sleep on the top bunk, or keep sleeping on the floor beside our bed
On that note, we have decided to homeschool Olee next year for kindergarten, a decision that I am starting to get more excited about (and less freaked out about) every day. I guess because what do they really do in Kindergarten anyways? Play. Well we can do that at home. I am just going to take it one year at a time and see how it goes. I guess the biggest thing for me right now is trying to find the best environment for a sensitive child. We will see how it goes!
heaven
It has been awhile since my fingers have typed words on these pages. I feel like I have been on a lengthy adventure, and yet it also feels like just yesterday that I was taking pictures of easter eggs. I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I went on a trip ALL BY MYSELF, WITH OUT KIDS, to the island for a friends wedding last weekend. So many emotions have transpired since all of that happened and now here I am. Looking at these shots I took on my solo adventure (the first time I have been away from the kids in 5 years!!! It was soo incredibly awesome by the way.) I feel so much peace, joy and contentment. Life is mysterious and amazing.
1.On the ferry 2.My friends new baby 3.Under the lionsgate bridge 4. Sewell rock (?) in Stanley Park
easter eggs
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We had fun decorating eggs today. 1) We hard boiled them. 2) We decorated them with crayons. 3) Dunked them in bowls of colored water (Water, food coloring, 2 tsp white vinegar). Olee didn’t want his colored. 4) Then I hid them in the garden and Olee went looking for them. 5) We ate them for lunch. Yum, I love egg salad sandwiches. Happy Easter everyone!
9.
Snuggled in the blanket that I used all through college and used to be my parents which belong to the Vaillancourts before them, the pillow case that I have had since I was 11 years old, the blanket underneath the sheet that used to be shane’s grandmothers, and the sheet that we got from our wedding. Due to some anxiety, He has been sleeping in our room on the floor for the last week, it has has actually been kind of nice- especially since he is past the waking us up all night stage.
Good night my sleeping angel. I will see you there.
8.
O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life. O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord. ~’Abdu’l-Baha
Visits from old friends this morning and sponteneous visits upstairs with the cousins before bed time for some dress up. My spirit has definately felt refreshed today. So thankful, so thankful, so thankful.
Olee is the royal clown- as dressed up by cousin Isa. Photo taken with my sister’s beautiful new flash.
7.
Living room dance party.
For 3 days I am husband-less and car-less. I am trying to keep a positive outlook on this. I know I am getting better at the single parenting thing, though still have a ways to go. In the beginning with Olee I would go into depression/psycho mom mode whenever shane went away for a few days for work. Now, well, this morning I made the kids walk 10 blocks to look for bus tickets. There were no bus tickets at the store, but candy and potato chips were found instead. Will and I sat on the curb of the mac’s and ate half the bag of potato chips… looking for love in all the wrong places as the song goes. Now I feel sick.
This afternoon, Olee suggested we have a dance party in the livingroom, so we blew up some balloons and cranked the raffi. We all had fun, and I feel like I am relaxing into it more. I know I shouldn’t complain- as this is only 3 days- so many parents are single for ALOT longer then that. For all the single parents out there, I herald you- you are amazingly strong people.
7.
Olee said he is an arabian knight on his camel in the desert. The pillows are the camels head and neck. He set this up while I was making dinner and played in it for a long time.
6.
Conflict when it is not resolved with violence, spurs growth and keeps life interesting. ~Starhawk
Yes, this I need to remember at those times (like right before dinner) when all I want to do is yell yell yell and resolve the conflicts around me with violent words, aggression or ignoring. Of course that only spurs on more aggression and anger by the recipients of my yells and silent treatments. Oh peaceful balance, please help me connect with my children when there is conflict in a non violent way! Thank you.
5.
“Ensuring a successful future is more determined by ensuring a happy and meaningful present. A child living in enthusiasm learns to be enthusiastic. A child who does not enjoy or find meaningful or relevant the schooling experience but who learns to postpone their rights and interests to some future time ends up living for the future never to return to the present.” ~Self design program
What do you think? Do you agree with that?
I almost cried when I read that because it really resonated with me- especially the part of postponing my life for some future time, I feel like I have been doing that my whole life. This is the future, there is only right now in this moment. We could be hit by a bus tomorrow or become paraplegic and everything could get a whole lot more challenging~ so I need to live my life like right now is the easy time, like this is the best most exciting time in my life… and then it will be.
4.
He will never deal unjustly with anyone, neither will He task a soul beyond its power. He, verily, is the Compassionate, the All-Merciful. ~Baha’u'llah
This quote brings me so much comfort. Especially after pondering today on why some of my dear friends are going through hard times, the polar ice caps melting, Haiti, the worlds economic state, our future as an environmental community, etc etc… Okay my mental state today was a bit in the dumps. But low and behold, it seems like nothing that happens is beyond our powers, and everything happens for some beautiful, mystical reason. The rain can either be miserable or beautiful depending on how you look at it. The rain helps these plants to grow, so then I guess the tests and trials we face in life are like the rain, they help us to grow up and are crucial to our well being.
3.
Every morning, when we wake up, we have twenty-four brand new hours to live. What a precious gift! ~Thich Nhat Han
This is a close up of my niece fiona. Today is my sister’s birthday. Here she is lighting the candles on her own cake with her three children close beside her. She is one of the most amazing people I know, and also my best friend. She gracefully weaves the chaos of the household into a fine tapestry of child well being. She has tremendous confidence, patience, dedication to her children, self sacrificing, passion, enthusiasm and commitment. I have learned so much from her.
2.
As ye have faith so shall your powers and blessing be. ~’Abdu’l-Baha
1.
“The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot sustain you.” ~Anonymous (The Pace of Grace)
This is the first day of the new baha’i year. and what is my goal for B.E. 167?
1) To work on my art for at least 30 minutes a day.
2) To take at least 1 picture each day.
3) To get out and walk for (at least, gulp) 5 minutes (yes, I know 5 minutes sounds like nothing, but sometimes on those rainy days we never make it out of the house).
Yes, those sound like good goals for me right now.
Ya Baha’u'l-Ahba. Thank you God for this life, and please help me to work through my fears and guide me along this path!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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The photo above is of my sister and her daughter.
Nawruz
“If we are not happy and joyous at this season, for what other season shall we wait and for what other time shall we look?” ~’Abdu’l-Baha
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Well, today is the beginning of a new Baha’i year. Nawruz is the Baha’i new year and comes right after the past nineteen day fast. I sit here literally marvelling, in total awe at the last nineteen days. Yes, though I did not need to physically take part in the fast as all the other baha’is around the world did (except those who were sick, elderly, pregnant, breastfeeding, travelling, etc), but I did decide to set myself a goal that would challenge my comfort zone. The goal was simple, to take a picture every evening and post it on this blog. To most reading this that would seem too ridiculously easy to be a real goal, but to me it was frightening. I guess it felt challenging because after I put the kids to bed I usually go into zombie mode/ brain retardation where energy feels like a precious commodity that needs to be carefully stored away for future kid use. I thought I would burn out, get sick, die or all of the above.
But this last 19 days, I guess I proved to myself that anything is possible and I could be slightly productive in the evenings when I put my mind to it (and worked through my fears). I think I really surprised myself, and once I got over the first like 5 days? I found that I got into a kind of rhythm with it and it actually became easy and something that I really looked forward to… wow.
It got me to thinking about setting my sights on a bigger goal and wanting to master something- mostly photography and painting. If you have read Malcolm Gladwell’s book, ‘Outliers’, you will know that it takes 10,000 hours of work to fully master something. I realized during this last 19 days that if I only spent 30 minutes a day on my art for the next 54 years, I will reach 10,000 hours. Yes, I will be 84 years old, but at least I have something to work towards, and 30 minutes feels doable at this point. I know that when the kids are older I will be able to dedicate more time through out the day, but for now 30 minutes it is.
So, thankyou for letting me share this journey with you, it has felt like a life changing experience. Happy Nawruz and may you all have an incredible year to come. Now onto my next goal!
Day 19
“There are certain forms of work which are beyond human endurance and others which are within it; and these differ according to the early environment and training of the individual…The struggling, winning, successful man is he who accustoms himself to the accomplishment of those things which are considered to be beyond human endurance. Only a soul thus great can stand the tests of life and come out of the crucible pure and unspotted.” ~Attributed to ‘Abdu’l-Baha
Day 18
“Be not sad nor sorrowful over what hath occurred. What hath transpired is for the best and in it is a sacred wisdom concealed which ere long will become manifest.” ~‘Abdu’l-Baha
Day 17
You can see my photos from today on the blog:
Each day of the fast, 2 people from around the world post pictures, quotes and share their reflections about the fast. It is very beautiful and inspiring!
Day 15
O SON OF MAN! Should prosperity befall thee, rejoice not, and should abasement come upon thee, grieve not, for both shall pass away and be no more. ~Baha’u'llah
O SON OF BEING! If poverty overtake thee, be not sad; for in time the Lord of wealth shall visit thee. Fear not abasement, for glory shall one day rest on thee. ~Baha’u'llah
Day 14
“…This most great, this fathomless and surging Ocean is near, astonishingly near, unto you. Behold it is closer to you than your life-vein! Swift as the twinkling of an eye ye can, if ye but wish it, reach and partake of this imperishable favor, this God-given grace, this incorruptible gift, this most potent and unspeakably glorious bounty.” ~Baha’u'llah
Day 12 & 13
“If a pupil is told that his intelligence is less than his fellow-pupils, it is a very great drawback and handicap to his progress. He must be encouraged to advance, by the statement, ‘You are most capable and if you endeavor you will attain the highest degree.’ ” ~’Abdu’l-Baha
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“You are most capable and if you endeavor you will attain to the highest degree” ~ Imagine if we told that to our children and ourselves everyday? it seems that no goal would be unattainable. I feel a burning desire to attain greatness in something- to go all the way and really be proficient and excellent at something, I know that I AM capable of doing that and if I endeavor I surely shall get there- we all are capable of that and we ALL can get there if we endeavor. But what does it mean to really ‘endeavor’… How much time, dedication, sacrifice and determination do I need to get there? How do I balance that with the raising of these two beautiful boys I have in front of me? Figure it out as I go, little by little, there is no rush to mastering something, one day at a time, anything is possible!
So now I leave you with this:
“You are most capable and if you endeavor you will attain to the highest degree”
So go out and go for it!
Day 11
“We must realize that everything which happens is due to some wisdom and that nothing happens without a reason.” ~’Abdu’l-Baha
Day 10
“Verily God hath made adversity as a morning dew upon His green pasture, and a wick for His lamp which lighteth earth and heaven.” ~Baha’u'llah
Day 9
“…the happiness and greatness, the rank and station, the pleasure and peace, of an individual have never consisted in his personal wealth, but rather in his excellent character, his high resolve, the breadth of his learning, and his ability to solve difficult problems.” ~’Abdu’l-Baha
“Goals are dreams with deadlines.” ~ Diana Scharf Hunt
My brain has been pretty fried the last couple of nights, so less talking is more talking for me right now. Goodnight and good luck with your goals!
