dirt is good for you.

Yes, we still love you Will. The carrot seeds that we just planted in there on the other hand might be wishing they were still in that pot, oh well. I love summer, I love summer, I love summer. I have been on a walkabout- I am still on my walkabout, not really having anything to do with physically walking or going about, more like mentally walking around inside myself, inside my head and my heart, trying to figure some stuff out. It has been good, very very good. Kind of like Will here I guess, grabbing at the black dirt inside my heart and and mind and taking a look at it in a different light, seeing what kind of seeds these are I have in me that have yet to sprout and just standing with it in awe and wonder at the simplicity of it all.

To say that I have been having wild transformative experiences would be the understatement of the year. This is the year of Gigantic, and I feel gigantic change in the mix. Personal, spiritual and emotional change. Self-reflection is an incredibly powerful and exhausting process. This week I have been having doozy upon doozy of amazing, hard, awesome, and painful revelations of my past, of my present, of the way I changed when I got married, of my style of parenting… of where I feel I need to go. I feel like screaming on the top of a mountain and charging at the cold and rigid sea. Something powerful has been unlocked. The mad old bear. As my son so perfectly described in his play the other day, “Time to lock up the predator, time to lock up the mad old bear.” Only now it is time to unlock the mad old bear, to unlock the predator within me.
This all started from reading the amazingly prolific book by Gabor Mate called, “When the Body says No: the cost of hidden stress”. What an INCREDIBLE book.

Like the above photograph details, I can see hope shining through the cracks, chips and cuts of my true self. There is depth in the earthly colors of my soul, it shines out in the contrast of its environment. I see the messiness, I see the dirt, I see the dust, I see the old decay and it is perfect, it tells my story, it is my story. I am at peace with it.

Hi everyone,
Time for a little blog break. I need to read some parenting books, watch some attachment parenting videos and take a pause.
See you soon,
Juliet

first food

Steamed, mushed up zucchini, yum… Will’s first food. I gave him his first bite and he made a sour face like I had just given him a lemon or something. After the first spoonful he was curious, after the 2nd spoonful he was all done. I guess steamed zucchini tastes a little different then mommy’s milk, eh Willy?

I like how he looks like he doesn’t really know what to do with all the green stuff on his high chair- ‘Do I pounce on it? Do I eat it? Why are they all of sudden shoving this green stuff into my mouth? What is this?’. He seems to want to stick EVERYTHING into his mouth- everything except steamed zucchini that is. Well it is all just learning what to do with it and where to stick it at this stage. Pretty soon he will be eating us out of the house like his brother

learning how to apply TTV to photos and to my life…

Wow is all I can say. Last night I was looking at some photos on etsy like this one and I was saying, how on earth did they do that? So I looked at some more photos and realized they all said “TTV” or “Through The Viewfinder” on them. If you were like me and not sure what TTV or fake TTV is, I now know it is just the addition of the black border and gritty texture to the picture to make it look OLD like it was taken on a viewfinder camera from the 30’s. I googled TTV and how to make it with out actually owning an old school viewfinder camera and I came upon this tutorial.

If you know basic photoshop skills it is actually very simple to do! There are even fake TTV groups on flickr that have free ttv filters you can download and use in photoshop. Needless to say I was having way to much fun trying out all sorts of different filters and things on some older shots I had taken like this cabbage picture below and raindrop plant picture above.

I also added a pink scratched texture layer to the top photo but erased most of the center part to give more light on the rain drops and plant.

I am finding myself so drawn to things that are all gritty, textured and old, like the rusty fences. When I used to paint with acrylics, and even watercolors, I would use tons of harsh strokes with wild contrasting colors, like this one I did in college and make it really messy, like some outside force had taking control of arm and refused to paint politely.

After I got married and stopped painting for awhile, it seemed like the strong aggressive tendencies went away and I needed to be ‘polite and clean’ for a time- I am not really sure what that means but that is how I can think of it (not that my husband imposed any of that on me, I think it was just my own process of my old self dying away so that I could find myself again in the context of the relationship). So I started sewing perfect shapes with very minimal picture styles, which were very nice aswell but something always felt like it was missing- .

Well, I can feel the lioness coming back up from the depths and the grit and dirt and texture are resurfacing. We will see what happens, a blending of my deep old messy self with my new role as a mother and wife- room to be dirty and chaotic in my art but also the need for cleanliness and organization in my life… hmmm. I have also been trying to let go of perfectionism lately too, but that is for another post!

rusting fences

What is it about these rusty, falling apart, paint chipping off fences that attract me so?

They are old, the exteriors are falling apart but their core is withstanding time, they have been tested by every kind of weather but remain strong, they are flawed but prefect all the same, they are humble, textured, deeply colorful, vibrant, standing tall doing their duty, not complaining, just ever faithful, ever loyal and ever there.

Sounds like what a great marriage would be.

These were taken within a couple of blocks from my house on my Saturday walk. It was really nice to be able to get out and take pictures again. I find being able to go a for a short walk by myself with out the kids I can get into a kind of moving mediation, where I can really focus in on interesting things that I see around me. I love walking with the kids too but my attention is completely diverted to keeping them safe, so not much of meditative photography space.

At a time when most other people would be in a state of complete panic and financial worry, this beautiful family is so amazingly calm, full of trust, and completely loyal to each other. They have helped me remember that when the times are rough and the road is bumpy, that God is there in a much bigger way than we will ever know. It is so hard to see family go through difficult times (I know it is just going to get harder as the kids grow up and go through their own tests!), but at the same time their challenges help all of us to grow and to reach deeper within our selves to trust and have a stronger faith and love for each other. God knows Shane and I have been there, (and for most peoples standards we probably still are there) more then once, and I thank God every day for those (seemingly) dark times, because it makes the not so dark times look even more brighter. So, thank you dear family for sharing your love, self sacrifice and hope with us and helping me to have faith that everything always works out EXACTLY as it needs to!

Ayyam-i-Ha Calendar!

Well, I finally finished it and just in time for the beginning of the Baha’i month before Ayyam-i-Ha. In a few days I will be putting a little treat (like some dried cranberries or banana chips) in each pocket for Olee for each of the 19 days before Ayyam-i-Ha starts. I got the idea from my sister who made a really beautiful one.

Ayyam-i-Ha (Intercalary Days) is the time of gift giving, celebration and service for Baha’is. It lasts for 4 days (5 on leap year) from February 26 – March 1.

I choose to put animals on the front because Olee really likes animals, especially the African variety. I made the calendar out of felt and thread that I bought from the dollar store and the blue background was from some fabric I had left over from a curtain project that never came to fruition. I sketched the animals out on paper first by looking them up on google images and then cut them out and pinned and cut them out of the felt. I did the same with the numbers, letters, balloons and pockets. I glued everything on using dollar store craft glue and I sewed on the bigger pieces and the pockets for extra reinforcement.

I absolutely love anything to do with Ayyam-i-Ha because of all the wonderful memories I have from when I was growing up. My Mom is such a great celebrator of all holidays, and since Baha’is do not necessarily celebrate Christmas, this is was our time to have lots of parties, eat lots of good treats, give gifts, do service for others and create lasting memorable family traditions. Every year we used listen to the William Sears Happy Ayyam-i-Ha record, paint sugar cookies with colorful icing and go and sing songs for the elderly in nursing homes and give them the cookies. I still remember when I was a really small girl wearing a big dress and twirling it around and around in front of all the old people. I am excited to be able to share these fun and special traditions with my children aswell. (Though probably we won’t be singing for the old people this year- I still need to find a service project that I can do with both kids, any ideas?)

Here is a great idea I read from a good friend Cheryl :
Years ago my mom and I created ‘Fast Banners” for each of the girls, based on the advent calendar too. I wanted to be able to have the girls be aware of the difference between Ayyam-i-Ha and the 19 Day Fast – and each pocket would have instructions for them – help make supper, learn a new prayer, or questions – explain who Baha’u’llah was, etc. They still look forward to it – and it has impressed the importance of this spiritual time on them. (and on the 20th day – Naw Ruz- they would find a surprise in the little pocket!).

learning to sit up

Here Will is learning to sit on his own. The breastfeeding pillows make a good back support in case he falls backwards! But I was too busy taking his picture that I didn’t catch him when he fell forward and smashed his face on the floor, opps! Sorry Will, good thing he gets over a hurt so easily- onto the next thing! This is making me think that it is okay for me to try new things and learn new skills, even if I fall on my face (metaphorically) and get a huge hurt, I know I can get over it quickly just like Will does.

These next pictures were too cute to pass up on. Olee and I usually go and get Will together when he wakes up from his nap. Yesterday Olee said he wanted to sleep with Will when we went to get him, that’s when I ran to get my camera as the two boys laying side by side and me being able to take pictures of them is a rarity!

But enough was enough, after the 60th picture, Olee finally said STOP taking pictures mom!!! That’s okay, the sweet brotherly love had already been captured.

new crawler and new camera

Will, now 6 months, and crawling. He is not content to just lay down in a corner while the rest of us are having fun playing, he wants to be IN the action, and chewing anything he can grab- that means all of Olee’s little chokable playmobil toys etc. I can very much relate to him, since I am the second child in our family, I ALWAYS wanted to be doing everything my older sister was doing, and life ALWAYS seemed so unfair because at times I was not aloud to. Well, I am probably still needing to learn from and get over that life lesson, trying not to compare myself to the older (simingly more wiser) one and just do my own thing. I am sure other 2nd children can relate to that on some level.

Well, here are a few shots I took with the new camera I bought with my birthday/christmas/ayyam-i-ha/selling my other camera money. I am really excited about this camera (the nikon D90) because although it is still amateur level it has some slightly more advanced technical ability then the D40 did. The last few months I have been researching like crazy about which camera to get. I kept going through a million different options about what to get. What I really wanted was the Nikon D90 (the one I got), but because of the price I kept trying to look for a cheaper option. In the end I decided that I didn’t want any of the other cheaper options and to just go for the D90 and that the money would come somehow. I just kept picturing myself with the camera and tried to not let any sneaky little thoughts come up that said I couldn’t afford it. And wouldn’t you know it, I received all the money and a bit left over (because I bought it for a good price second hand). That really amazed me! Anything is possible I guess.

I learned how to jazz up the colors in the camera by reading this article which I highly recommend to everyone.

Happy birthday…

…to me! 29 years, wow! It is hard to believe I am that old, though I know some people will read this and think I am still SOOO young, and they will also be right. To some I have lived a long time, to others I am just starting out. Well, either way you look at it, I still have a lot of learning yet to do and a lot of tests and challenges yet to face and a lot of adventures yet to go on in this life! We had taco salad with gaucamole and banana bread with cool whip and strawberry sauce- some of my favorites, it was really yummy. Here are some pictures of the little celebration:

41 Conferences- Regional Baha’i Conference in Vancouver

This weekend was the big Regional Baha’i Conference here in Vancouver, as part of the 41 Baha’i conferences put on Worldwide by the Universal House of Justice of the Baha’i Faith. It was big. 3000+ people in attendance from BC and Alberta. It was amazing. So many dear friends were there that I got glimpses of from across the big ballroom, some I got a chance to talk to, others I did not because there were just soo many people and so little time!

Here is a great little video I just found on the net about the 41 conferences:

1)Dan and Fiona, 2)Laura and Fiona, 3) In the kids rooms

Going to a big conference with two young kids is a very different experience. I got a chance to listen to about 45 minutes of one of the talks, which was very inspiring, and then spent the rest of the morning in the kids rooms hanging out with the kids and seeing some friends as they would pass through. I am very thankful to have made it out to that part that I was able to attend, and know that in the future when the kids are older we will be able to participate more. But it was still really great and exciting to be there and just breathe in all the inspiration, love, excitement and Baha’i friends that were surrounding us.

Uncle Ryan from Edmonton came to the conference and stayed at our house last night. We love him soo much.

resolving to be adventurous

So it turns out that yesterdays day of tears by kid number 1 was from a number of factors.

1) Minor ear infection that was caught just in time. Putting a of drop of Nature’s Sunshine CBG into his ear 2x seemed to get rid of the infection really fast. Our herbalist told us about that remedy awhile ago and it seems to work for ear infections almost every time. (Except for the time olee had one so bad that we had to go to the hospital and eventually give him antibiotics).

2) Will has started crawling a few days ago… yes you heard me right, CRAWLING! 5 1/2 months! Well, it is more like an army scoot but the point is he can get from point A to point B all on his own, that means he can scoot over and knock down Olee’s toys and such (and no our house is not baby proofed for that yet! MARBLES!). He is not to fast yet so we can stop him before anything happens, but we are all entering into a new stage from it and Olee is having to adjust to that.

3) Will’s morning naps are starting to get all wonky and irregular and therefore Olee and my ‘Special Time’ is getting shorter. Olee and I usually have some time where just him and I play in the morning when Will takes his nap- the term ‘Special Time’ was coined by my niece Isabela. That time is like pure gold for Olee where he gets me all to himself. The second child moving into that space is definitely an adjustment!

So today I decided to be adventurous and get us out of the house. Luckily Will slept in a bit so we ditched the morning nap and went to Science World! Will was wide eyed and loving it the whole time as he LOVESSSS to do anything out of the house these days and Olee of course loves it there anytime. They have all sorts of movies playing there and since we usually don’t watch TV at home, we watched a video about how beavers make their lodges and some of the ‘Planet Earth’ video. At one point a wolf is chasing a little raindeer baby to eat him and Olee said, “Mom are they having a chase fight? oh, is the wolf trying to catch the baby lamb? oh, did the wolf catch the lamb?”. Yikes, luckily we didn’t see the wolf full out eating the raindeer baby… and luckily Olee knows that some animals eat other animals to survive, other wise that would be pretty traumatic!

And for a little color, black and white color that is, here is a picture from the archives of my parents holding newborn Will in the hospital the day after he was born, July 24th, 2008. So much wonderment, so much calm and peacefulness, so much love. I am feeling that today and thinking of family far away.

This post is title-less, but ends off with me talking about becoming a pirate, so beware!

My friend Kate said to blog my parenting sorrows… I think that would make me more aggitated right now, so I am not going to talk about the 2.5 hours of inconsolable crying that happened this morning and the resulting ‘Spot’ video that followed and me wanted to scream into a pillow. I think it is time to read my favorite attachment parenting book in the whole world for the third time, “Hold on to your kids- Why parents matter more then peers”, by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld. That really helped solve a whole lot of parenting issues I was dealing with this summer and so I think a need a fresh dose of it because this week has been a fight! I find it is so easy to slip back into old habits and routines, especially when tired and sleep deprived. Yelling, yelling and more yelling to try and get my point across just doesn’t seam to be too affective- I need to learn how to connect before I direct AGAIN…

Anyhow, the photo above is of my beautiful 5 year old niece, taken this summer at Spanish Banks beach here in Vancouver on a family picnic dinner with my D40 and 18-55mm kit lens. I love her penetrating gaze, wild hair and slightly forward posture. She looks to be at peace, but ready to pounce at a moments notice. I guess that is how I am feeling right now, peaceful but edgy at the same time, wanting to do yoga, but needing to go for a long hard run. Maybe we have all been cooped up in this house for too long and need to let our hair down and run around on the cold beach for awhile. Pirates. yes. Argggg. Adventure! Watch out cold windy beach, here I come!

sleep and snow, what else is there in my life to talk about right now?

I feel like I have a milion things to blog about since the holidays and yet… no blog posts. Why you might ask? Well, just sit right down and I will tell you all about my favorite thing in the whole world to talk about, ‘SLEEP”. So simple, yet so amazingly profound… he he. Most of the conversations I have with other moms with similar aged kids always revolves around sleep at some point or another. Either they are sleeping good, or they are not sleeping well or a mix, but always about sleep. I know this is just a stage and in about 5 months when I turn into the sleep enforcer everything will be different. But for now, my brain is on Will’s teething schedule, and that means it is fuzzy, foggy, cloudy, tired or whatever adjective you wish to describe it. So slowing down on the blog posts, but that is okay. My sister and I joke about it, after one of the kids had a bad night of waking up alot, we say, “Okay, that means he is either teething, going through a growth spurt, learning a new skill, is colicky, is sick, or is just waking up alot or any combination of the above or all of the above”. Trying to figure out why is like trying to answer a multiple choice question on my university psychology exams, every answers sounds like the right one!

Here is a shot of my little drooler in drooling action:

I ‘just’ figured out (after a year!) how to use my old old (1969) Nikkor Nikon lenses on the D40 (which I just sold by the way, but that is for a different post). This is taken with a manual focus 55mm nikkor micro f3.5 (the lens is from circa late 1960’s). Apparently nikon made a ton of these lens and they are pretty cheap. My grandpa left it to me and my mom after he passed away. Or maybe just my mom and I hijacked it? I am not sure…

And just incase you are not sick of hearing about it (though you haven’t heard it from me because I haven’t been blogging- too busy shovelling with the garden shovel ), we have had LOTS of snow here. Snow and snow and more snow. For Vancouver standards the city was pretty much was snowed it. All of our snowplows were hired out by Surrey, Burnaby and the surrounding areas… There were no snowshovels to be seen anywhere. Why? because our city officials are masochists? maybe. Or maybe they all live in Surrey! Ha. Anyways, we were all un-prepared for that debacle, but now the whole snow drama is past history, as the rains have come and we are all free to go grocery shopping to our hearts content. YIPEEE! Did I mention that we now are the proud owners of 2 snow shovels? My husband wrote a beautiful post about snow in the city here. We were joking this morning that we have never been so happy to see the rain. And that’s funny if you have lived in Vancouver!

This photo was taken with a nikon D40 and 28mm f2.8 nikkor (circa late 1960’s aswell).

Okay time to go and SLEEP!!! happy ZZZZZZZ’s to all of you!

5 years…

And counting. Happy anniversary to us! Okay, it was on December 27th, but who’s counting anyway (definitely not my fluffy waking up all night to breastfeed my baby- brain)? We decided to celebrate it at a later date when we could do something fun in the evening with out the kids- that means whenever we can leave Will and Olee at home with a babysitter! Will is still breast feeding and waking up at night, so i don’t quite feel comfortable leaving him with someone yet (except shane who doesn’t mind the crying). I know most people would say, oh just go out for a couple of hours and do something, but when I go on a date I like to relax and not try to rush through it!

We took this picture about 7 weeks after Will was born. We have come along way together. Marriage is such a precious gift. I thank God every day for sending me such an amazing man. I look forward to the next 5 million years together!

I spruced up the black and white of this picture by following this advice and then put it on a black background in photoshop. What fun!

Snow!

Winter has graced us with her presence for the first time this year and we are very grateful for the fun afternoon of snowy play. Usually it snows here for a couple of hours and then it starts to rain and all the snow melts, but this week it has stuck around for awhile longer. Olee set to work making some snow angels and pulling Will around in the new sled from Klara. Will did really great out there, we even went for a walk around the block to see some of the christmas lights and pulled him along in the sled, he was calm and happy the whole time, just taking it all in. Thank you Marmie and Poppa for outfitting the boys in their new winter gear!

New teeth!

Here is a few shots of our little Willy superstar. You will notice in the 2nd photo 2 teeth have emerged! YEAH! Teething is still in full force, as the drool and chomping on anything and everything is a constant. Also we have brushed the cobwebs off the jolly jumper and Will is loving it, it really comes in handy especially when I am cooking dinner!

Wow, it is hard to believe he is almost 5 months! After he was born I kept saying to myself, “I know this will get easier in about 5 months” and well, it really has in the sense that he is going to sleep earlier, napping more consistantly, and not needing to breastfeed every 30 minutes! The sleeping and nap bit is all thanks to the book ‘The no cry sleep solution’ by Elizabeth Pantly- a book that I freely recommend to anyone and everyone who has a young kid!

That is the blessing of the second child, I have a whole lot more perspective in knowing that things will change and get easier (well somethings get easier . Now that he is almost at the 5 month mark, it feels like it has gone by so fast, and really in the scheme of things, 5 months is a pretty darn short time. I know he will be running around by himself and then turning three and then graduating from high school before I know it! My job now is to treasure all of these young moments, to stay at his pace of life (not try to do too much, just sleep, eat and roll around on the floor!) and keep the 5 month perspective when I am at my wits end (that of ‘all this will change in 5 months!’).

29 years…

Well, you are 29 years young as they say. Happy birthday.
We came together to celebrate the day that you were born. A wintery december 2nd.
You came into my life 6 years ago and I thank God everyday that he sent you.
You, the one who blows me away by your courage, your honesty, your sincerity and your love. I am a better person because I have known you.
Thank you for sharing this life with me.

And your birthday dinner fit for a king!

perspective

On Wednesday a dark rainy cloud entered my brain. Fear about money and life transitions had entered and paralyzed my thoughts. I couldn’t shake it, I felt trapped in my own head, needing to get out and trust but not knowing how. I was depressing myself and my family with my sour mood and irritable character. Yesterday it was pouring down rain and so I couldn’t do my ‘taking pictures walk’ around the neighborhood.  I went into Olee’s room and looked out the window to see how hard it was raining. I ended up taking these pictures which in the end completely reflected my state of mind.

I see in these pictures that I couldn’t see beyond the glass. All I saw was how dirty the glass was. Everything beyond was a black and white blurry fog. Looking at it now I can see how the dirt smudges and water stains make some really interesting and even beautiful patterns and texture. Being able to see the tests and challenges after they have past I am able to discern beauty that I wasn’t able to while going through it. I had a good long talk with the spouse about all the little things that had been piling up and then the dark clouds lifted in my head and I was able to see clearly again. (Thank you spouse!) I also said this prayer 95 times:

‘Is there any remover of difficulties save God. Say: Praised be God, He is God, all are His servants and all abide by His bidding.’  -The Báb

This prayer is absolutely incredible, so short, but so powerful and has gotten me through alot of dark times.

Worm composting!

That’s right you heard me correctly ‘Worm composting’. What kind of weird hippie madness is that you say? Well let me explain… A few years ago my mother-in-law told me that she used to compost with ‘red wriggler’ worms up in the North West Territories of Canada in her basement! That’s right, inside the house. I thought, “No that is just weird, how could that be, composts are smelly and alot of work!” But she said that actually it is a piece of cake and the worms eat all the scraps and turn them into compost so that it doesn’t smell. She said she even ordered the worms from a farm here in BC. So on her last visit a few months ago she told us about it again and my wonderful husband asked me if I would look into it. I did a little net research and found this city sponsored program by City Farmer. You pay 25$, do a one hour worm workshop and get over hundred dollars worth of stuff. I thought, well that sounds simple enough! After being put on their 4 page wait list I got a call last month and a spot in the workshop. Yeepee! I was surprisingly super excited about it.

So this past saturday I put on my gardening clothes, kissed the boys goodbye and drove over to the City Farmer for some ‘Worm composting’. Here is a picture of the cool garden and cob shed they have at the demostration city garden at City Farmer:

Here is a demo worm composter in action. The bottom layer is the broken down compost that the worms live in, and then the food scraps, and then on top is a layer of dry leaves to keep the air flowing so that there is no smell:

In the workshop with all the smart enviro-conscious urbanites:

They loaded us up with a worm bin starter kit which included: worm bin, trowel, hay, worms, and a book called, “Worms eat my garbage” by Mary Appelhof:

Worm bins:

When I got home Olee, Shane and I set to work to set up our new worm composter. First we filled the bin half way up with the hay/newspaper mix (you can use dry leaves aswell):

Then we poured in a little water to moisten up the hay (has to be like a wet wrung out rag) and a few handfuls of dirt for the worms gizzard (you can use sand too):

Then we mixed up all the hay and water:

Next we uncovered one corner of the hay and Olee poured in the fruit and veggie scraps (nothing cooked and no meat either), each week we bury the scraps in a different corner of the bin:

Now onto the stars of the show, our new wormy friends:

A whole mountain of worms! 500 approximately:

A couple of lovely ‘Red wrigglers’:

Shane and Olee gently putting the worms into their new home:

Here is the City Farmers step by step worm composting slide show. These bins are meant for people living in the city in apartment buildings and condos because they are kind of smallish, but can be used by anyone and everyone. You can even make your own bin by taking a plastic bin and drilling some holes in the bottom and sides or making one out of wood- the possibilities are endless!

Thank you City Farmer for helping us (even if in a very small way) leave a smaller carbon footprint on this amazing planet of ours!

Seeing the subtleties of change

It is neat to see the seasons change from behind the lens of my camera. I find that I notice the subtleties of how the leaves look each week alot more then I did before. The bright reds, oranges and yellows are turning to browns and burgundies and slowly going back into the earth. Little mushrooms are popping up with the increased rains and the coniferous’ are standing out more as the other trees have lost their leaves. There is so much beauty in the details of nature, in all it’s forms, textures and seasons. I find it inspiring to take nature pictures in the middle of the city. In the midst of all the cars, people, buildings, cement and chaos, there is a beautiful, serene, peaceful and perfect world of nature, just doing it’s own thing- growing, dying, hibernating, growing again. Not concerned with the hubbub around it, following it’s own rhythm that is connected to all of life.

All of these photos were taken within a few blocks from my house, using my Nikon D40 camera and 50mm 1.8 lens with Aperture priority f 1.8.

Whale

A big one, creeping into my consciousness. Gliding majestically through the depths, coming up for air in periodic boughts, then head first diving down deep into the Sea. Every angle an arc of beauty. Every curve a confession of pure truth. Drinking in an ocean of water to filter in the tiny bits of krill gold. Graceful, speedy, slow, ponderous, mysterious, ancient, new, gentle, powerful. Tuned into the pulse and rhythms of the Sea. The only way it can be defeated is turning away from it’s own heart, following the skewed guidance of man and beaching itself upon the land…

Getting my ‘Break’…

It is funny how rhythmical life can be. I year ago I went through a small burn out stage where I needed to renew myself and spirit and take a break from everything for a while. This year at the very same time as last year (after Halloween and Olee’s birthday) I experienced the same thing. I got sick with a cold- an indicator I was doing too much, and then I heard these 4 simple words come out of my mouth, “I NEED A BREAK”…

As soon as I uttered them I immediately tried to reverse the sentence I had just bestowed upon myself thinking, “NO! NO! I was just kidding, I don’t really need a ‘BREAK’ really I’m good, uh huh…”. But it was too late, I did need a break that I wasn’t allowing myself to take. So the unconscious forces of nature played their magic and gave me a break… My thumb seized up with tendinitis and I by ‘accidentally’ poured a half cup of water onto my lab top keyboard, opps!

After that happened I cursed for a while then went away to do some thing else. When I came back later thinking that it had probably dried enough, I tried to turn on the screen and when it was just black with blue and purple stripes I thought: A) I’m an idiot for not asking someone who knows about this stuff before trying to start it; and B) That was an expensive mistake… But then weirdly I kind of felt relieved, like I could just relax and read a book with my free time, not ‘having’ to do all the computer stuff that I had been pressuring myself to do. I got my “break” unfortunately it was a broken computer and gimpy hand.

I have surrendered to the forces of nature and am allowing myself to hibernate for a while, to dive into the depths of fall and be ONE with my teething 3 and a half month old baby. So if you ever hear yourself say, “I need a break” but have not yet taking the steps to give yourself one, be prepared for life to give it to you!

fall

Fall is in full bloom here in Vancouver. Even the mucky garbage on the side of the street seems beautiful with the addition of the bright red autumn leaves. I have a hankering for hot mulled apple cider, some good introverted reflection time and spiced pumpkin muffins! Time to go and look up the recipe… The last picture is Olee and Shane’s masterpiece Jellyfish pumpkin they carved for Halloween. More pictures of Halloween and Olee’s birthday coming soon.

good friends

Yeah for good friends! Kate and her two beautiful kids came over for a very nice visit this last friday, followed by another great visit with them and Kira and her daughter (no pics of them) on Sunday. We went to high school together and now have similar aged kids. Ahhh, good friends visiting from afar (or from close by for that matter) is like gold, each moment so precious.

Our little Fiona…

One week old already, so amazing. Babies seem to just crash into our lives from nowhere and once they are here we look at them in amazement every day, awe struck that they are alive, breathing and ours! Well, they are not really ours I guess, just on loan from God to raise and protect until bursting free from their parental cages they force themselves upon the world. The task for us parents is daunting, ‘Abdu’l-Baha’ (the son of Baha’u'llah, the founder of the Baha’i faith) says:

“The children must be carefully trained to be most courteous and well-behaved. They must be constantly encouraged and made eager to gain all the summits of human accomplishment, so that from the earliest years they will be taught to have high aims, to conduct themselves well, to be chaste, pure, and undefiled, and will learn to be of powerful resolve and firm of purpose in all things. Let them not jest and trifle, but earnestly advance unto their goals, so that in every situation they will be found resolute and firm.”

Can you imagine a world that encouraged our children to be chaste, pure, have high aims, and advanced unto their goals with resolute and firm purpose? Wow, that would sure be different and amazing! I humbly hope that we may impart a fraction of that encouragement unto our children, so that little by little, we can change this dust heap of a world into a beautiful amazing paradise for our future generations to live in!

healing hands and the little paint set

This weekend I blew the dust off of my little Windsor and Newton travel watercolor set. My sister bought it for me on a trip to Norway our family did together 9 years ago. It has seen me through many adventures in many different Countries and cities including the wilds of northern Canada where I treeplanted for 5 summers.

It was the last year of my treeplanting career that painfully ended my relationship with this beloved little watercolor set. It was the summer before I got married, the summer I burnt out totally and completely, and the summer I stopped painting. By the end of that summer, my body was finished, along with my mind, I had been worked to the bone and was at the point of total exhaustion. By the end of that summer my body and mind screamed “NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, no more ramming that shovel into the ground 4500 times a day, no more bending over 4500 times a day, no more putting poisonous bug spray on your skin 25 times a day, no more… I was done.” So, after one of the hardest decisions of my life, going against ‘my treeplanting crew & family’, I decided to quit on them 2 weeks early, during their big grind to wrap up the season, and go back home to Vancouver. I knew in my heart that that was what I needed to do, but that whole bus ride back from High Level, Alberta to Vancouver, BC, about 30 hours or so, my guilty conscious keep saying, “go back, there is still time, go back!”.

But I knew it was not to be. I had to listen to that voice inside that said, “stop”. But it was too late. I had pushed my edge and gone passed it, my body shut down and my painting stopped. I married that winter an incredible man, who stuck with me through that dark period, where I was angry, stuck, depressed, and introverted- very different from the excited, adventurous me that he had gotten to know the year before.

It has taken me 5 years to really recover from that dark time, and every year, a little more is healed. Just recently from the loving advice of my personal trainer husband, I started doing “Intu-flow”. He has gotten everyone in my family doing it and we have all seen tremendous results. It is a kind of really gentle, incremental exercise that works all your joints. Well, the last few weeks my hand has started to get really stiff and painful at night, just like it did while I was treeplanting. I think that the intu-flow is helping to bring up the trauma related injuries to my hand and wrist that I suffered during that treeplanting summer. Well, whatever it is doing, this weekend I pulled out the paints after five years and that was something big!

I started painting a picture of a whale, why? I don’t know yet, but I am sure it will come to me. This is a big big step for me- very exciting. I am starting very very small, with no expectations, just seeing where the paint will take me… through the trauma and into the ‘flow’ of healing…

Home from the Hospital

My new niece Fiona came home from the hospital today. She is two days old now, but it feels like a week has gone by- time seems to disappear when their is a newborn present. I guess they permeate ‘Womb time’ which is like another world of God unto itself. When ever I see her I can’t help but say, “OH Erika! She is soooo beautiful and perfect, oh my gosh… (and on and on)”, now I can see why the other kids would get jealous, but I just can’t help myself, she is! I just want to hold her and soak up all that newborn spiritual energy. Her older brother Diego and sister Isa were very happy to have her home and wanted to hold her, cuddle her, play with her- she is just like a real live doll. She is now the youngest and surrounded by 4 older siblings/cousins and soo much love and affection. Welcome Home Fiona!

Baby Fiona has come into this world!

My beautiful new niece came into the world this morning. Around 7:00am Fiona Zaynab was born in St. Paul’s Hospital. 7lbs 3oz. Healthy and happy. My Sister did an amazing job and got her out from start to finish in 5 hours! I have made a little slide show on Picasa for you to see her:

Baby Fiona

Also, check out my dad’s beautiful post about Fiona called, ‘Reflections on being the third child’ on his blog.

Will and company

Another little photo shoot of our precious Will who is just about 3 months now. He is chewing away on his hands (and mine when he gets the chance) as I suspect some teeth are going to pop out soon. He smiles very easily and has just started to chuckle (only when he feels like it though). He is a delight to our hearts! We had a nice visit with his little friend Nyla and her mommy Janna yesterday.

Olee

Olee after naptime. Me playing around with the highest ISO setting on the camera. I love the grainy texture.

Twin Falls

Yesterday Shane, Olee, Will and I went on a little hike to Twin Falls in Lynn Valley, North Vancouver which is about a 25 minute drive from where we live in the city. It is soooo soothing, relaxing, inspiring, and beautiful to be out there in the woods. The sun speckling through the trees and leaves and the cool fall air is a tonic for the soul. Having grown up on Vancouver Island with a mountain for a backyard, I really feel most peaceful when I’m in the forest.

I guess when I feel the most frantic and the least peaceful in my day to day life (usually in the midst of a million screaming kids or at mealtime when everyone is losing it) that is when I need to remember this Zen place, and re-live my peaceful hike in the mountains putting one foot in front of the other and BREATHING in DEEP!!!

Saturday walk

Yesterday, Shane took Olee to the pool and Will and I went for a walk to the new Starbucks. I took these pictures in our neighborhood on the way. I really like how getting up close to something, blurring the background and looking at it from different angles makes it stand out in a beautiful way. I think that is like in life, when you have a problem and you look at it up close, blur away everything else and look at it in a different light or from a different perspective, you can see some beauty in it, that it is trying to show you something or teach you something new.

Will fell asleep just as I got to the coffee shop and so I got to drink tea and do some sketching, it was very soul satisfying!

Halloween is coming…

It’s almost Halloween! Today Olee and I did some Halloween crafts to hang up in the house, I had to look in his ‘Where’s waldo’ book to remember how to draw a bat and a witch. Will woke up from his nap half way through the craft so we just did the one bat picture, but every little bit of gluing and coloring is good practice I guess- I have to keep reminding myself that childhood (and life in general) it is all about the process, the practice and the learning and less about the outcome~ as alot of the time the outcome I have in my head looks very different from the one the kids have

We had some floor time, then I was about to make lunch and saw some REAL sunshine in the kitchen (as appose to the fluorescent basement suite lighting), yikes where is my camera? Sun glimmering through windows and plants is my favorite. We don’t normally get sun in the kitchen, but today as fall is coming (or is already here) we did! I dream of someday having a big country kitchen with lots of south facing windows and sun pouring through them… ahhh…

Losing myself, but not all of it… some thoughts on mothering.

Some thoughts on my journey as a mother.

When I think back to when I first had olee, it felt like my whole world had been thrown into a blender and God hit the ‘on’ button. Having a baby was probably one of the most amazing and overwhelming experiences of my life. Everything changed. My friends, my relationships, my free time, my control over the finances, my identity, my ability to not worry about the dumbest little things… yes, so it felt like everything that had to do with “ME” got chucked out the window for awhile and it took me a long time to go outside and carefully gather those bits and pieces of myself back and bring them ‘inside’ again.

I didn’t realize I had lost myself until one day, about a year(?) after he was born I was watching Oprah (yes, we love her) and Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife came on and was talking about the same thing, how she had lost herself in their marriage/childrearing. She talked about how her life had become engulfed into his life and everything was about what he wanted/needed and nothing left for her. She had forgotten what she loved about life, she only knew what she loved about Lance. She knew that it wasn’t healthy, that she lost her true self and she needed a change.

After watching that program, I took a long honest look at where I was in my life, what I had ‘given up’ so easily and willingly for everyone else, and knew I needed a change too. I knew that the ‘person’ inside me was screaming to be heard again, to do art again. That was when Shane and I talked about trading mornings off on the weekend so that I could have time to do my art. When I had that Saturday morning to myself to go and journal, drink tea or just relax and eventually to re-find my art it was like someone handed me the keys to myself again and I was refreshed and would come back to the family happy and rejuvenated.

Now onto the second kid… With all of that knowledge I had gained from having Olee, I knew that the first couple of months would be a time of ‘everything about the baby’ and about staying sane, and so giving up ‘myself’ was needed to some degree, as in giving up my free time in the evenings and weekends, but now I know I do not need to give all of everything I am- my ‘true self’, I can hold onto those bits that call out in the depths of my creativity, spirituality, and physicality (is that a word?). I can be self-less but still engaged in fulfilling artistic pursuits, still active physically, and still find the time to pray and meditate.

That been said, being a mother and raising my boys has been an incredible journey. I feel so privileged to be able to stay at home with them and be their ‘first educator’. Though sometimes overwhelming, it is one of the ‘greats’ of my life and feeling lost from my(true)self for awhile pales in comparison to the honor I feel in being able to raise them. I imagine I am not alone in this mothering journey, I am sure that most women feel a loss of themselves at some point to some degree or another… in that regard we are all connected as we walk this path and can feel some sense of hope that whatever we have lost can be found, and whatever we have given up can once again be gathered
(even though it may be in small bits) when the time is right.

More family!

Yeah more family! Auntie Courtney (shane’s sister), uncle jesse and cousin aria came for a visit from Silvan lake, Alberta this weekend. We had a really nice visit with them- we went hiking, ate sushi, and went to the beach (well everyone else did except me and will . Isabela loved having another girl to play with, and olee liked having uncle jesse play him all kinds of weird music videos on his computer.

There is something so endearing about seeing kids hug each other- maybe because they are so wild most of the time
Olee and Aria:

Auntie Courtney and Aria:

Uncle Jesse and Will:

A week of family delight!

Last week marmie and poppa (Olee and Will’s paternal grandparents) and auntie meagan and uncle ryan came for a visit from Edmonton. We had a really great time with them and it was the first time they had seen Will. Olee was soo excited and happy to have them here and got all whole bunch of sugary treats, presents and love from them. They took him to the park, to science world, hiking, bought him ice cream and french fries, got chased by geese at Queen elizabeth park and played with his toys.

Marmie had a dragon themed exhibit at her museum this month and so she brought a knight and dragon book and little knight and dragon toys. Olee went nuts over them (as lately he has been incorporating fighting dragons into his pretend play) and made marmie and poppa read him the book about a 100 times and then they bought him a little knight costume to go with it all.

Here is olee all dressed up as a knight:

Then he wanted poppa to be the knight to fight the dragon:

Marmie, poppa and Will:

Olee and poppa at science world:

Uncle ryan and Will:

We all went out to eat at our favorite greasy spoon restaurant ‘Bon’s’:

Then we went to the 218 flavors Gelato place for some yummy ice cream.
Auntie megs and olee:

Marmie, Poppa, Olee and Will:

The whole gang:

Family, like newborns, are such precious commodities. It brings such delight to our children’s hearts to be showered with so much unconditional love and affection and to broaden their circle of attachment (and give me a much needed break . In our society of dissentigrating family ties and everyone moving so far away for each other, I know we have to be even that much more concious of keeping those connections strong and fostering the relationships as much as possible. After I had Olee, as a new mom, I greived for along time about being so far away from extended family and really missed the much needed wisdom and support they provide. Now I am just so thankful for the visits that we do get to have and hope that we continue to foster those ties as much as possible! YEAH for Grandparents and Aunties and Uncles!!!

7 weeks old

On our way to the park in the snazzy new stroller from Grandma and Grandpa.

camping in the livingroom

As baby Will blessed us with his presence this summer, we unfortunately did not join in on the yearly family camping trip, so Shane very creatively took Olee camping in our livingroom. I did not partake as I had Will who being 6 weeks old is still very unpredictable in his sleeping habits- although I did make the hotdogs for dinner that we roasted in the pan, so I guess you could say I participated.

Shane and Olee made a big tent out of sheets, chairs and paint cans.

Then they filled it up with olee’s mattress and blankets, lots of books and puzzles and a small light.

They even had a marshmallow roast in the kitchen with a candle.

A very special and creative camping trip indeed.