Halloween

Olee, Diego and Isa, all super duper pumped about trick or treating. Olee and Diego representing the pirate contingent, Isa exploring her witchy side .

We are the black cat family. We were supposed to be Olee’s black cats because originally he was going to be a witch, we even bought him the witch hat, broom and I made him a witch cape and everything, but on the day of halloween and especially in the last hour before trick or treating he must have changed his mind about what to be about 10 times. “I think i will be a knight” then a few minutes later, “I think I will be a witch, oh maybe not, maybe just a bat…um a cat now” and on and on. So in the end, 10 minutes before heading out the door, the final decision was a pirate, and Diego, it seemed had the same idea, as he was planning on being a fireman (or a witch) before that. Its no surprise that they both wanted to be pirates though, as everyday those two boys congrigate either upstairs in Diego’s room or downstairs in Olee’s room and either act out some grand pirate adventure with costume and map making, or play pirates with Diego’s chockable lego pirate ships.

Fiona sported the princess (ballerina?) garb.

Aunty meagan was Will’s limo/black stallion.

Chris, the cowboy, and our friend Josh, gorilla man?

Erika was also a witch, and we also went trick-or-treating with our neighbor and her two kids and our brother-in-law once removed Reed. We were quite the posse.

Every year I ask shane, and why are we doing this again? Willingly inviting strangers to load up our kids with totally processed white sugar candy garbage? fueled by the multi-billion dollar corporations to keep our kids high on the sweet stuff and everyone spending loads of money on empty calories… okay okay, its halloween, I know, I don’t need to get all political, but really, I dream of the day when our neighborhoods can come together and celebrate with hot apple cider and naturally sweetened baked goods (like in the good ol’ days, you know, the times before disposable rasor blades were invented!),  where young and old people all intermingle and celebrate joyfully those who have passed on before us. maybe I just need to go to mexico next year. Well, anyways, until that happens, It is still fun to dress up and be out and about in the neighborhood with the kids, who by the way, LOOOOOVE Halloween.

Olee’s Birthday is just 2 days after Halloween, and so we will have a party for him later this week, but on the day of his birthday Shane put some candles in his oatmeal (that’s right 4 candles, 4 years old!)

We also had his favorite dinner, chicken burgers and french fries. It was Will’s first intiation into the chicken burger cult- he thoroughly enjoyed it. Strawberry (soy) icecream for dessert. yum.

Tomatoes and the beauty of inherent personality flaws.

Today is Halloween for us North American folk, and yet again I found myself in one of our neighborhood community gardens. All alone. Thankfully. Today is not so much about nice blue colorful wispy beautiful leaves, with poetic and profound poetry interlaced, but more about the honest truth about looking deeper at the perfection of imperfection. Another deep look inside.

Not so much willingly brought on my ‘me’, as by one of my dearest firends, pointing out a personality flaw in ‘me’, and me realizing it is a douzy that I haven’t yet really addressed. My heart kind of sank when he mentioned it, because I knew it was so true- though my ego desperately wanted to prove that he was wrong, that I wasn’t what he said, but I know, well, yes I am like that. In fact the truth is that every now and then I close off, shut off, cave in, retreat, push away the world, snarl, get foamingly angry at the smallest of small, send hurtful thoughts to those I love the most in this world, and become exceptionally difficult for those I love to be around. The feelings of pain and shame, of how I have hurt, shut out and closed off my loved ones is a hard pill to swallow. In one sense it feels like a kind of autism, as it is hard to talk and I get obsessed with cleaning, on the other hand it is like a intense version of PMS. Though I know it is not PMS because it usually only comes on after I have eaten chocolate, beef or cheese…

So today as I was trying to figure out if this is part of my personality that is set in stone or this is something I can change. Obviously I can stay away from those foods, but is it the foods, or is it something else, some unconscious force in me that wants to express anger and have some alone time? Can I ever really know the answers to these questions?

With these questions on my mind, my grandpa’s 1969 55mm nikkor micro lens was attracted to a couple of groups of cherry tomato plants. The season is over for growing tomatoes, but the stragglers left on the vine were so beautiful and interesting to me. I started taking pictures of nice round perfect tomatoes, but quickly found my eye being drawn to the old, scarred and beaten up ones. The ones whose guts are wide open for everyone to see, who are past their prime, whose scars aren’t coming off with laser surgery, the ones who are ready to be buried in the earth, the ones who have lived out their lives and are full of pus and stories about what they have seen in this world, the ones who seem to be encased in barbs. (yes I see all of that in those tomatoes). I wonder if anyone else finds these beautiful? I definitely would not be picking these out in the grocery store for my summer salad, but today they are art.

Awhile ago a bunch of us were sitting around our living room, trying to figure out what our life long ‘thing’ was. Someone said theirs was living in a state of ‘crisis’, another friend said theirs was living in a state of ‘intensity’, when I was trying to figure out what mine was, I immediately knew that mine was living in a state of ‘emotional turmoil’. I am not really sure what the ‘thing’ is, or what we are supposed to do with that knowledge of what our thing is, but it makes sense to me, that when ever I go into one of these high intensity emotional turmoil times, I go back to God, I go back to prayer, I go back to art, I reconnect with my gifts and my passions, and I uncover a deeper layer of myself- and I also cause confusion and hurt to those around me. My thing, being in ‘emotional turmoil’, maybe be a curse, or maybe be a gift, maybe its both and for me the task is channeling it and balancing it, not inflicting its darker spikes onto my loved ones, but also allowing myself to feel it and use it instead of trying to repress it all the time.

I know that just like those tomatoes, I could be the perfect, round, red tomato for the rest of my life and that would be just fine, but I could also allow the interesting thorny scarred up pussy mess of a tomato to sometimes have its place too, that both can live in this world and be admired for their own inherent beautiful qualities. That maybe if I allow them to coexist the latter won’t smash down the door every now and then, beating up everyone in sight, pulling me by force into the nether world…

So now I leave you with this,
What is your ‘Thing’? (If it is possible to describe your inherent life personality flaw in one word)
How is it beautiful and how is it ugly?
Has it lead you to your gifts, or just given you grief?
How have you been able to balance it in your life?

love

On a rainy day.
I love these boys.

Will’s favorite food is spagetti (I think he inherited my love of sauce).
Olee will be 4 years old next week.

How to take pictures of small kids

This may not work for everyone, but yesterday when Will decided to wake up early from his nap, I gave him a big bowl of fresh crunchy red grapes. He was so taken with them he didn’t even try to reach out with his grubby little hands and grab at my lens or run away like he usually does- he just sat there and munched away, and I got all the nice close ups I wanted (albeit chipmunk cheeked, but cute anyways!)

These next pictures illustrate an activity that happens here just about everyday- playing with the foam mattress/couch combo in the livingroom. At any giving day it becomes a fort, a jeep, a volcano, a waterfall, a pirate ship, a river, an ocean, a slide (as seen below) or any number of other imaginary realities olee deems fit.

Rumi and a touch of fall

Out beyond ideas of
wrong-doing & right-doing

There is a field

I’ll meet you there

When the soul lies down in that

grass

the world too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, even the phrase,

each other

doesn’t make sense.

~Rumi

___________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday my camera found me in a small community garden a few blocks from my house searching out for signs of beauty within the foliage. The fall is coming and the leaves are turning gorgeous shades of every color. I love this time of year. The sun shining and casting shadows allow for the wild blues and purples on the leaves. I set my camera to the bluest white balance I could and to the ‘vivid’ color setting with lots of saturation and apeture set to f 2 (or somethings like that) and then just took pictures of anything and everything that caught my fancy. The photos above were some of my favorites.

UBC farm

Yesterday, Olee, Will and I went on a grand adventure to our local university’s farm and checked out the annual harvest festival. I say grand adventure because we got lost about 3 times trying to find the farm, and I almost gave up since I didn’t have a map and had never actually heard of UBC’s farm until a couple of days ago. But when we finally stumbled upon it, I was so excited and felt like I had found a treasure trove of nature goodness. I felt my shoulders drop and my mind find some peace for a few moments, where I could let the boys run off in their own directions and not have to worry about cars hitting them, where they could mingle with the natural world and be totally in grossed with making forts out of branches and wandering through pumpkin patches, catching grass hoppers, finding little trails to follow in the forest and running about and getting dirty. hmmmmm.

I heard about it through vancouver’s homeschooling yahoo group which I finally had the courage to join. I felt like if I joined the email group that I would forever be tied down to homeschooling and all the fears and insecurities would come rushing after me like a group of angry hornets. Thankfully, that hasn’t happened. I guess I learned a couple of good things this weekend. One, I was kind of nervous about going off by myself with the boys to a place I had never been to (the farm), but I went anyways and then had a great time, and even made a scarecrow for our halloween decor and drank some delicious hot apple cider. And two, feeling the immense fear over seemingly small things and going out and doing it anyways, feels daunting, but in retrospect is quite easy. And going out and experiencing life in whatever small form it may be, is incredibly exhilerating, exciting and brings a sense of joy and enrichment to my life.

Leafy sillouettes, sparkling specs of sunlight, mysterious moments. One foot in front of another, doing a disjointed dance. Trying to go forward, with a smothered perspective, still beautiful. My heart unleashed, my soul awakened, my body free, my mind exposed. Tiptoeing, stomping, gracefully pirouetting, forcing, retracting, up and down, breathing in, exhaling, I am alive. I am here. I am ready.

Behind the sun

A flurry of craziness in my brain, these soothing images helped calm the incessant mental storm. With a bit of a heat wave today (for mid-september), and shane taking the boys out, I went for a picture taking walk by myself… like a little bit of heaven really. Trying to shut off my brain from the insanity that sometimes exist there, it is so relaxing to go out and find some beauty around me, to look at what isn’t so obvious on first glance and to see a different angle and sheen of light. Today, because it was almost mid day and so bright out, I was looking for different and interesting lighting opportunities. The sun hitting the backs of the leaves and casting different shadows caught my attention.

I sometimes get caught up in the hubbub of consumerism, feeling like I “need” to have all this ’stuff’ for the kids optimal development- when I go onto the internet and read about being ‘green’ and organic everything and how my kids will be forever scarred if they don’t play with only wooden things or have the best educational toys or eat organic vegetables… ay yah yah! Well, that gets my head into a spin because well, right now we are on the lower end of the tax bracket income and actually we would rather put that money into travelling around the world… but still, I have a habit of being somewhat of a comparing nut…  So then I take a few breaths, tell my husband about my money woes and he reassures me that our kids are bright and learning all the time, even if they don’t have these fancy expensive toys. Yes yes, you are right, most of the people around the world just played with rocks and stick didn’t they (I love to throw that one out there). So after another deep breath, I take my camera out into our neighborhood and am simply in awe at how beautiful and perfect everything is (and no, those leaves did not have organic baby toys to play with ), but they are perfect just as they are, and suited well to there environment. I know I need to keep that perspect in mind, that God knows where we are and is taking care of all of us no matter what we are going through. The sun is shining on our backs and we just have to turn around and see it! Okay, now I feel better, thanks.

sugar free, wheat free granola recipe

A very yummy granola recipe that I inherited from my mom and changed around a bit to make it sugar free:

6 cups oatmeal (I do 1/2 rolled oats and 1/2 quick oats)
1/2 cups sunflower seeds (or any other kind of seed or nut you have)
1/2 cups sesame seeds
1/2 cup flour (I use whole spelt flour- but any other kind of flour works too)
1 cup bran (I use oat bran- but wheat or any other kind works too)
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp stevia (the white powder) (or 1/2 cup of honey if you prefer)
—–
1/2 cup vegetable oil (I use canola)
1/4 cup molasses (this is optional- but I like to use it if I am not using honey)
1 cup water

Pre-heat oven to 325′F. Mix the dry ingredients, and then the wet ingredients in a seperate bowl, then mix together and spread evenly over 2 cookie sheets. Put in oven for 15 mins, then take out and flip the granola around, then put it back in for another 10 mins or so. Voila!

Road trip to Edmonton

edmonton trip ‘09

Click on the picture above to see a small slide show of our trip.

We just got back from a great road trip to Edmonton. The 4 of us took 2 days to get there and drove aprox 6 hours each day with two 1 hour breaks interspersed. It was a grand adventure for us as a family of 4, as we haven’t ever done a trip like that- but after all is said and done, it was a success. As soon as we were leaving the city I think I sighed about 100 times, as it felt so good to get out into the country, on the open road and experience a slower pace. Don’t get me wrong, we had our moments of insanity, usually at the end of the 6 hour drive, where everyone wanted to get out and run around and never get back into the car… but oh man I love to travel! To change up the routines, to meet new people, to taste new foods, to see new sights, to meet old friends and visit dear family- Did I mention I love to travel?… I can’t wait till the next trip.

some after thoughts

Thank you everyone for your insightful comments. I really appreciate them! It seems like my maternal super overprotecting instincts have kicked in and every decision about the kids future seems like ‘life or death’… I asked my dad to elaborate on his comment on my last post and this is the email he sent me. I thought it was very eloquent and concise, and is giving me lots of food for thought!

Hi Juliet,
What you are learning is really quite amazing. It is really
nice to see you excited about doing a lot more things that will
develop your own self.

Ok, either/or v. and. When you use “or”, it usually means
that you are placing some kind of limitation on yourself or others
because you see the world as black or white, right or wrong, good or
evil. In your case public school is bad because you can see a lot
of the limitations it has and you have experienced a lot of them.
Homeschooling might be a better option, but who wants to spend all day
teaching your child to do reading and math and science, etc. Your
mind is stuck in thinking that it is a choice between public education
or homeschooling. You see public education as bad and you don’t want
to do homeschooling. You can solve the situation by using “and”
instead of or. You can say to yourself well this is what public
education can do and this is what I can do at home. Public
education probably won’t be good at teaching Olee how to take risks or
how to create and see beauty or how to have a relationship with your
Creator. That is something you can do, but the public system can
teaching reading and math and science, etc.. So really the focus on
education is more shared.

What probably freaks you out is that the public system was never
really designed for you in mind when it was created. This is
because the unconscious aim of the system is to get you to do what
those who control the resources and power want you to do. It is not
designed to teach people to have courage or see the beauty in
everything because those virtues are threatening to the power source.
Olee and Will need to learn those things in other ways.

What you are beginning to figure out for yourself now is that
you can be a mother, look after the needs of your children and family,
and do things that develop your own talents and abilities. You are
losing the dichotomy of motherhood v. your own development. When
you use and instead of or then motherhood and self development become
like partners that multiply your resources and energy. When you choose
one or the other, then they compete against each other and drain you.
You can say it like this. When I am doing motherhood well, it is
developing my self in ways that I never expected, and when I am doing
something like running in the Sun Run, it is helping me to be a great
mother.

This is what Baha’u'llah expresses in the Third Valley of the
Four Valleys. It is when you can understand that black is white,
right is wrong, good is evil, hard is soft, real is imagined, that
you can enter into a different realm. Sometimes it is true that
right is right and wrong is wrong and the need for making a choice is
important, but where you are right now, running is mothering. It is
not about choosing one or the other. When you can answer the
question how is running mothering, then you will be able to answer
the question of the education of your children.

Hope this helps.

Much love
Dad

a brain wander rant.

As I sit here writing on this computer, my fingers feel a little shaky and my mind a little wobbly and the tears are at that place where they could potentially pour forth at any moment. You know these kind of days? emotion is deep and I am not really sure what will come of it. I am on vacation in Edmonton at my In-laws house. After waking up in the grumpiest mood ever, my husband lovingly offered to take the kids to Fort Edmonton without me so I could sort out whatever it is that I need to sort out. Thank God for him. I know I definitely need some alone time. I feel like I am at that place in my life where I have absolutely no idea what i am doing- and yet at the same time of course I know what i am doing. I get up, do my intu-flow, eat breakfast, change diapers, play with the kids, eat lunch, wash the dishes… Okay all these things are pretty standard, but OH MY GOSH, Olee is almost 4 and that means he is almost 5 and that means kindergarten and that is where I start to digress in my mind.
Shane and I as parents want to give our kids the very best that we can, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually etc. and since the beginning we have had to ask alot of questions about the way parenting and schooling are ‘done’ in our society. It feels like a great dichotomy because on the one hand everywhere I look there are signs of great dysfunction (childhood obesity, reckless teenage sexual promiscuity, the ‘epidemic’ of ADHD, etc etc) and on the other hand it seems like people keep doing the same things in parenting and schooling and telling me that I should be doing it that way too- day care, preschool, timeouts, regular public school system education, non-attachment parenting… Okay I know this sounds alittle (or alot) judgmental and I am very sorry for that, that is not my intention. We decided that I would stay home to be a full time stay at home mom because well that seemed to make the most sense and because I thought it was very important for the kids emotional development and overall well being to have a strong attachment with at least one parent/caregiver. We decided not to send them to preschool because basically they can learn their ABC’s at home and kids don’t need to be socialized. Now I come to my great dilemma- SCHOOL… I find myself so drawn to the philosophical reasons to Home-school and love the concepts of unschooling, but at the same time I am scared beyond belief at the practical application of it- Me, a teacher! what? I swore from the time of my childhood that I would never become a teacher (this coming from me having grown up in a family of teachers). And yet I can’t deny the fact that I already do ‘teach’ the kids everyday new stuff about the world and about life and even the alphabet.
So what is the big deal? To homeschool or not to homeschool. To send them to public school or not to send them to public school. I find myself in the midst of a mental battle trying to figure out what is the best for them, and also for us and for me. As judgmental as I can be there are always pros and cons to everything, I know that. But I also know that i want to be part of the solution to the craziness that exist in our culture, and I have to ask myself if plunking them into the regular school system will be a benefit to them and to society in the long run or will it hamper their innate gifts and qualities, making them learn for the sake of standardized tests and kill any desire to learn for the pure joy of learning??? Obviously I can’t know the answer to that and needless to say I haven’t figured out what to do yet, but I am on the road and starting to read lots of books about all the different options. I still have days like this where my ideals and my reality come together in a non-seamless fashion causing me to want to pull me hair out and have a mental breakdown (sometimes it feels good to be dramatic). So what do i do now? Keep reading I guess, and keep trying to figure out what is real and what is all in my head… thanks for listening to this rant.

Will’s 1.

Our little Willy has turned a full calender year. It is amazing to think that last year at this time (well technically last week but whose counting?), I was having contractions and heightened to the bone in full anticipation wondering who would come through that birth canal. Now we know, it was Will. He is so precious to us, he has an incredible zest for life, he loves to climb whatever he can get his hands and body onto, he wants to do everything everyone else’s doing, he has incredible fine motor skills and can figure out how to open or do just about anything, he always wants to be out adventuring or playing in the sand box.

I made an apple blackberry crisp for Will’s birthday party that we ended up cancelling because Olee had the flu and I had mastitis, so last night we sang Will happy birthday with the upstairs cousins.

Will has some major food sensitivities therefore he can’t eat cake yet- so we put a candle in a piece of apple for him!

Happy birthday Willy, We love you!

taking a closer look.

These pictures bring me so much joy. I took them last month on a walk I went on in my neighborhood using my mom’s 60mm macro lens. Wow, what a great lens and what an interesting experience. I literally didn’t go more then a block and a half away from my house and found hundreds of things to take pictures of that I had never seen before. I would go to a little spot that caught my attention and just crouch down as low as I could and just sit there, camera perched, looking into a whole different world I had never seen before. It was quite amazing, I felt kind of like I was looking into the ‘horton hears a who’ world.
As I was reflecting on this experience, it so related to the last month. My parents were visiting us from malaysia and as a family (individually) we were all doing therapy (in each our own way) to try and work through some major family issues. Did I mention it was intense? Well, intense in a good way of course. When are issues not intense I guess. Back to the metaphors! By us trying to work through our crap together, I borrowed my mom’s lens ( her perspective) and was able to look closer and see some beauty that I had never seen before that was right under my nose. Yes there is still lots more to work through and work on (probably for the rest of time as we know it), but I know that something changed this summer, some door opened that was previously shut locked and barred before. The door is open for more honesty. I know that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be any easier, but is life supposed to easy?
So for now I am left with the strange and wonderful beauty of these pictures, reminding me to look, look and look again even if I don’t see anything on the surface, there is ALWAYS something beautiful if I borrow someone else’s perspective and take a closer look.

grandparents

fewww, what a great time we had with grandma and grandpa (my parents). Their yearly summer visit has again concluded and now they are back off trotting around the globe to their home in Malaysia. We will miss them for sure, but indeed treasure all the wonderful times we had together over the last couple of weeks.
Will learning to walk with grandpa and shane.
Grandma showing the kids videos on youtube.
Grandma playing gummybear house with the big kids.
Grandma teaching olee how to wash our windows (since I never do .
Grandpa loving up fiona.
Grandma and Will having a moment.
Ice cream!
Hiking with Grandpa.
Grandma and Will getting their yearly dose of pattycake.
Waking up every morning to Grandpa working on his computer.
Will loving his gramps.
All of us sans erika and fiona at the Greater Vancouver Zoo.

sweet sweet summertime… See you next summer gram and gramps!

dirt is good for you.

Yes, we still love you Will. The carrot seeds that we just planted in there on the other hand might be wishing they were still in that pot, oh well. I love summer, I love summer, I love summer. I have been on a walkabout- I am still on my walkabout, not really having anything to do with physically walking or going about, more like mentally walking around inside myself, inside my head and my heart, trying to figure some stuff out. It has been good, very very good. Kind of like Will here I guess, grabbing at the black dirt inside my heart and and mind and taking a look at it in a different light, seeing what kind of seeds these are I have in me that have yet to sprout and just standing with it in awe and wonder at the simplicity of it all.

Change

To say that I have been having wild transformative experiences would be the understatement of the year. This is the year of Gigantic, and I feel gigantic change in the mix. Personal, spiritual and emotional change. Self-reflection is an incredibly powerful and exhausting process. This week I have been having doozy upon doozy of amazing, hard, awesome, and painful revelations of my past, of my present, of the way I changed when I got married, of my style of parenting… of where I feel I need to go. I feel like screaming on the top of a mountain and charging at the cold and rigid sea. Something powerful has been unlocked. The mad old bear. As my son so perfectly described in his play the other day, “Time to lock up the predator, time to lock up the mad old bear.” Only now it is time to unlock the mad old bear, to unlock the predator within me.
This all started from reading the amazingly prolific book by Gabor Mate called, “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress”. What an INCREDIBLE book.

Like the above photograph details, I can see hope shining through the cracks, chips and cuts of my true self. There is depth in the earthly colors of my soul, it shines out in the contrast of its environment. I see the messiness, I see the dirt, I see the dust, I see the old decay and it is perfect, it tells my story, it is my story. I am at peace with it.

Hi everyone,
Time for a little blog break. I need to read some parenting books, watch some attachment parenting videos and take a pause.
See you soon,
Juliet

first food

Steamed, mushed up zucchini, yum… Will’s first food. I gave him his first bite and he made a sour face like I had just given him a lemon or something. After the first spoonful he was curious, after the 2nd spoonful he was all done. I guess steamed zucchini tastes a little different then mommy’s milk, eh Willy?

I like how he looks like he doesn’t really know what to do with all the green stuff on his high chair- ‘Do I pounce on it? Do I eat it? Why are they all of sudden shoving this green stuff into my mouth? What is this?’. He seems to want to stick EVERYTHING into his mouth- everything except steamed zucchini that is. Well it is all just learning what to do with it and where to stick it at this stage. Pretty soon he will be eating us out of the house like his brother

learning how to apply TTV to photos and to my life…

Wow is all I can say. Last night I was looking at some photos on etsy like this one and I was saying, how on earth did they do that? So I looked at some more photos and realized they all said “TTV” or “Through The Viewfinder” on them. If you were like me and not sure what TTV or fake TTV is, I now know it is just the addition of the black border and gritty texture to the picture to make it look OLD like it was taken on a viewfinder camera from the 30’s. I googled TTV and how to make it with out actually owning an old school viewfinder camera and I came upon this tutorial.

If you know basic photoshop skills it is actually very simple to do! There are even fake TTV groups on flickr that have free ttv filters you can download and use in photoshop. Needless to say I was having way to much fun trying out all sorts of different filters and things on some older shots I had taken like this cabbage picture below and raindrop plant picture above.

I also added a pink scratched texture layer to the top photo but erased most of the center part to give more light on the rain drops and plant.

I am finding myself so drawn to things that are all gritty, textured and old, like the rusty fences. When I used to paint with acrylics, and even watercolors, I would use tons of harsh strokes with wild contrasting colors, like this one I did in college and make it really messy, like some outside force had taking control of arm and refused to paint politely.

After I got married and stopped painting for awhile, it seemed like the strong aggressive tendencies went away and I needed to be ‘polite and clean’ for a time- I am not really sure what that means but that is how I can think of it (not that my husband imposed any of that on me, I think it was just my own process of my old self dying away so that I could find myself again in the context of the relationship). So I started sewing perfect shapes with very minimal picture styles, which were very nice aswell but something always felt like it was missing- .

Well, I can feel the lioness coming back up from the depths and the grit and dirt and texture are resurfacing. We will see what happens, a blending of my deep old messy self with my new role as a mother and wife- room to be dirty and chaotic in my art but also the need for cleanliness and organization in my life… hmmm. I have also been trying to let go of perfectionism lately too, but that is for another post!

rusting fences

What is it about these rusty, falling apart, paint chipping off fences that attract me so?

They are old, the exteriors are falling apart but their core is withstanding time, they have been tested by every kind of weather but remain strong, they are flawed but prefect all the same, they are humble, textured, deeply colorful, vibrant, standing tall doing their duty, not complaining, just ever faithful, ever loyal and ever there.

Sounds like what a great marriage would be.

These were taken within a couple of blocks from my house on my Saturday walk. It was really nice to be able to get out and take pictures again. I find being able to go a for a short walk by myself with out the kids I can get into a kind of moving mediation, where I can really focus in on interesting things that I see around me. I love walking with the kids too but my attention is completely diverted to keeping them safe, so not much of meditative photography space.

At a time when most other people would be in a state of complete panic and financial worry, this beautiful family is so amazingly calm, full of trust, and completely loyal to each other. They have helped me remember that when the times are rough and the road is bumpy, that God is there in a much bigger way than we will ever know. It is so hard to see family go through difficult times (I know it is just going to get harder as the kids grow up and go through their own tests!), but at the same time their challenges help all of us to grow and to reach deeper within our selves to trust and have a stronger faith and love for each other. God knows Shane and I have been there, (and for most peoples standards we probably still are there) more then once, and I thank God every day for those (seemingly) dark times, because it makes the not so dark times look even more brighter. So, thank you dear family for sharing your love, self sacrifice and hope with us and helping me to have faith that everything always works out EXACTLY as it needs to!

Ayyam-i-Ha Calendar!

Well, I finally finished it and just in time for the beginning of the Baha’i month before Ayyam-i-Ha. In a few days I will be putting a little treat (like some dried cranberries or banana chips) in each pocket for Olee for each of the 19 days before Ayyam-i-Ha starts. I got the idea from my sister who made a really beautiful one.

Ayyam-i-Ha (Intercalary Days) is the time of gift giving, celebration and service for Baha’is. It lasts for 4 days (5 on leap year) from February 26 – March 1.

I choose to put animals on the front because Olee really likes animals, especially the African variety. I made the calendar out of felt and thread that I bought from the dollar store and the blue background was from some fabric I had left over from a curtain project that never came to fruition. I sketched the animals out on paper first by looking them up on google images and then cut them out and pinned and cut them out of the felt. I did the same with the numbers, letters, balloons and pockets. I glued everything on using dollar store craft glue and I sewed on the bigger pieces and the pockets for extra reinforcement.

I absolutely love anything to do with Ayyam-i-Ha because of all the wonderful memories I have from when I was growing up. My Mom is such a great celebrator of all holidays, and since Baha’is do not necessarily celebrate Christmas, this is was our time to have lots of parties, eat lots of good treats, give gifts, do service for others and create lasting memorable family traditions. Every year we used listen to the William Sears Happy Ayyam-i-Ha record, paint sugar cookies with colorful icing and go and sing songs for the elderly in nursing homes and give them the cookies. I still remember when I was a really small girl wearing a big dress and twirling it around and around in front of all the old people. I am excited to be able to share these fun and special traditions with my children aswell. (Though probably we won’t be singing for the old people this year- I still need to find a service project that I can do with both kids, any ideas?)

Here is a great idea I read from a good friend Cheryl :
Years ago my mom and I created ‘Fast Banners” for each of the girls, based on the advent calendar too. I wanted to be able to have the girls be aware of the difference between Ayyam-i-Ha and the 19 Day Fast – and each pocket would have instructions for them – help make supper, learn a new prayer, or questions – explain who Baha’u’llah was, etc. They still look forward to it – and it has impressed the importance of this spiritual time on them. (and on the 20th day – Naw Ruz- they would find a surprise in the little pocket!).

learning to sit up

Here Will is learning to sit on his own. The breastfeeding pillows make a good back support in case he falls backwards! But I was too busy taking his picture that I didn’t catch him when he fell forward and smashed his face on the floor, opps! Sorry Will, good thing he gets over a hurt so easily- onto the next thing! This is making me think that it is okay for me to try new things and learn new skills, even if I fall on my face (metaphorically) and get a huge hurt, I know I can get over it quickly just like Will does.

These next pictures were too cute to pass up on. Olee and I usually go and get Will together when he wakes up from his nap. Yesterday Olee said he wanted to sleep with Will when we went to get him, that’s when I ran to get my camera as the two boys laying side by side and me being able to take pictures of them is a rarity!

But enough was enough, after the 60th picture, Olee finally said STOP taking pictures mom!!! That’s okay, the sweet brotherly love had already been captured.

new crawler and new camera

Will, now 6 months, and crawling. He is not content to just lay down in a corner while the rest of us are having fun playing, he wants to be IN the action, and chewing anything he can grab- that means all of Olee’s little chokable playmobil toys etc. I can very much relate to him, since I am the second child in our family, I ALWAYS wanted to be doing everything my older sister was doing, and life ALWAYS seemed so unfair because at times I was not aloud to. Well, I am probably still needing to learn from and get over that life lesson, trying not to compare myself to the older (simingly more wiser) one and just do my own thing. I am sure other 2nd children can relate to that on some level.

Well, here are a few shots I took with the new camera I bought with my birthday/christmas/ayyam-i-ha/selling my other camera money. I am really excited about this camera (the nikon D90) because although it is still amateur level it has some slightly more advanced technical ability then the D40 did. The last few months I have been researching like crazy about which camera to get. I kept going through a million different options about what to get. What I really wanted was the Nikon D90 (the one I got), but because of the price I kept trying to look for a cheaper option. In the end I decided that I didn’t want any of the other cheaper options and to just go for the D90 and that the money would come somehow. I just kept picturing myself with the camera and tried to not let any sneaky little thoughts come up that said I couldn’t afford it. And wouldn’t you know it, I received all the money and a bit left over (because I bought it for a good price second hand). That really amazed me! Anything is possible I guess.

I learned how to jazz up the colors in the camera by reading this article which I highly recommend to everyone.

Happy birthday…

…to me! 29 years, wow! It is hard to believe I am that old, though I know some people will read this and think I am still SOOO young, and they will also be right. To some I have lived a long time, to others I am just starting out. Well, either way you look at it, I still have a lot of learning yet to do and a lot of tests and challenges yet to face and a lot of adventures yet to go on in this life! We had taco salad with gaucamole and banana bread with cool whip and strawberry sauce- some of my favorites, it was really yummy. Here are some pictures of the little celebration:

41 Conferences- Regional Baha’i Conference in Vancouver

This weekend was the big Regional Baha’i Conference here in Vancouver, as part of the 41 Baha’i conferences put on Worldwide by the Universal House of Justice of the Baha’i Faith. It was big. 3000+ people in attendance from BC and Alberta. It was amazing. So many dear friends were there that I got glimpses of from across the big ballroom, some I got a chance to talk to, others I did not because there were just soo many people and so little time!

Here is a great little video I just found on the net about the 41 conferences:

1)Dan and Fiona, 2)Laura and Fiona, 3) In the kids rooms

Going to a big conference with two young kids is a very different experience. I got a chance to listen to about 45 minutes of one of the talks, which was very inspiring, and then spent the rest of the morning in the kids rooms hanging out with the kids and seeing some friends as they would pass through. I am very thankful to have made it out to that part that I was able to attend, and know that in the future when the kids are older we will be able to participate more. But it was still really great and exciting to be there and just breathe in all the inspiration, love, excitement and Baha’i friends that were surrounding us.

Uncle Ryan from Edmonton came to the conference and stayed at our house last night. We love him soo much.

resolving to be adventurous

So it turns out that yesterdays day of tears by kid number 1 was from a number of factors.

1) Minor ear infection that was caught just in time. Putting a of drop of Nature’s Sunshine CBG into his ear 2x seemed to get rid of the infection really fast. Our herbalist told us about that remedy awhile ago and it seems to work for ear infections almost every time. (Except for the time olee had one so bad that we had to go to the hospital and eventually give him antibiotics).

2) Will has started crawling a few days ago… yes you heard me right, CRAWLING! 5 1/2 months! Well, it is more like an army scoot but the point is he can get from point A to point B all on his own, that means he can scoot over and knock down Olee’s toys and such (and no our house is not baby proofed for that yet! MARBLES!). He is not to fast yet so we can stop him before anything happens, but we are all entering into a new stage from it and Olee is having to adjust to that.

3) Will’s morning naps are starting to get all wonky and irregular and therefore Olee and my ‘Special Time’ is getting shorter. Olee and I usually have some time where just him and I play in the morning when Will takes his nap- the term ‘Special Time’ was coined by my niece Isabela. That time is like pure gold for Olee where he gets me all to himself. The second child moving into that space is definitely an adjustment!

So today I decided to be adventurous and get us out of the house. Luckily Will slept in a bit so we ditched the morning nap and went to Science World! Will was wide eyed and loving it the whole time as he LOVESSSS to do anything out of the house these days and Olee of course loves it there anytime. They have all sorts of movies playing there and since we usually don’t watch TV at home, we watched a video about how beavers make their lodges and some of the ‘Planet Earth’ video. At one point a wolf is chasing a little raindeer baby to eat him and Olee said, “Mom are they having a chase fight? oh, is the wolf trying to catch the baby lamb? oh, did the wolf catch the lamb?”. Yikes, luckily we didn’t see the wolf full out eating the raindeer baby… and luckily Olee knows that some animals eat other animals to survive, other wise that would be pretty traumatic!

And for a little color, black and white color that is, here is a picture from the archives of my parents holding newborn Will in the hospital the day after he was born, July 24th, 2008. So much wonderment, so much calm and peacefulness, so much love. I am feeling that today and thinking of family far away.

This post is title-less, but ends off with me talking about becoming a pirate, so beware!

My friend Kate said to blog my parenting sorrows… I think that would make me more aggitated right now, so I am not going to talk about the 2.5 hours of inconsolable crying that happened this morning and the resulting ‘Spot’ video that followed and me wanted to scream into a pillow. I think it is time to read my favorite attachment parenting book in the whole world for the third time, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gabor Mate and Gordon Neufeld. That really helped solve a whole lot of parenting issues I was dealing with this summer and so I think a need a fresh dose of it because this week has been a fight! I find it is so easy to slip back into old habits and routines, especially when tired and sleep deprived. Yelling, yelling and more yelling to try and get my point across just doesn’t seam to be too affective- I need to learn how to connect before I direct AGAIN…

Anyhow, the photo above is of my beautiful 5 year old niece, taken this summer at Spanish Banks beach here in Vancouver on a family picnic dinner with my D40 and 18-55mm kit lens. I love her penetrating gaze, wild hair and slightly forward posture. She looks to be at peace, but ready to pounce at a moments notice. I guess that is how I am feeling right now, peaceful but edgy at the same time, wanting to do yoga, but needing to go for a long hard run. Maybe we have all been cooped up in this house for too long and need to let our hair down and run around on the cold beach for awhile. Pirates. yes. Argggg. Adventure! Watch out cold windy beach, here I come!

sleep and snow, what else is there in my life to talk about right now?

I feel like I have a milion things to blog about since the holidays and yet… no blog posts. Why you might ask? Well, just sit right down and I will tell you all about my favorite thing in the whole world to talk about, ‘SLEEP”. So simple, yet so amazingly profound… he he. Most of the conversations I have with other moms with similar aged kids always revolves around sleep at some point or another. Either they are sleeping good, or they are not sleeping well or a mix, but always about sleep. I know this is just a stage and in about 5 months when I turn into the sleep enforcer everything will be different. But for now, my brain is on Will’s teething schedule, and that means it is fuzzy, foggy, cloudy, tired or whatever adjective you wish to describe it. So slowing down on the blog posts, but that is okay. My sister and I joke about it, after one of the kids had a bad night of waking up alot, we say, “Okay, that means he is either teething, going through a growth spurt, learning a new skill, is colicky, is sick, or is just waking up alot or any combination of the above or all of the above”. Trying to figure out why is like trying to answer a multiple choice question on my university psychology exams, every answers sounds like the right one!

Here is a shot of my little drooler in drooling action:

I ‘just’ figured out (after a year!) how to use my old old (1969) Nikkor Nikon lenses on the D40 (which I just sold by the way, but that is for a different post). This is taken with a manual focus 55mm nikkor micro f3.5 (the lens is from circa late 1960’s). Apparently nikon made a ton of these lens and they are pretty cheap. My grandpa left it to me and my mom after he passed away. Or maybe just my mom and I hijacked it? I am not sure…

And just incase you are not sick of hearing about it (though you haven’t heard it from me because I haven’t been blogging- too busy shovelling with the garden shovel ), we have had LOTS of snow here. Snow and snow and more snow. For Vancouver standards the city was pretty much was snowed it. All of our snowplows were hired out by Surrey, Burnaby and the surrounding areas… There were no snowshovels to be seen anywhere. Why? because our city officials are masochists? maybe. Or maybe they all live in Surrey! Ha. Anyways, we were all un-prepared for that debacle, but now the whole snow drama is past history, as the rains have come and we are all free to go grocery shopping to our hearts content. YIPEEE! Did I mention that we now are the proud owners of 2 snow shovels? My husband wrote a beautiful post about snow in the city here. We were joking this morning that we have never been so happy to see the rain. And that’s funny if you have lived in Vancouver!

This photo was taken with a nikon D40 and 28mm f2.8 nikkor (circa late 1960’s aswell).

Okay time to go and SLEEP!!! happy ZZZZZZZ’s to all of you!

5 years…

And counting. Happy anniversary to us! Okay, it was on December 27th, but who’s counting anyway (definitely not my fluffy waking up all night to breastfeed my baby- brain)? We decided to celebrate it at a later date when we could do something fun in the evening with out the kids- that means whenever we can leave Will and Olee at home with a babysitter! Will is still breast feeding and waking up at night, so i don’t quite feel comfortable leaving him with someone yet (except shane who doesn’t mind the crying). I know most people would say, oh just go out for a couple of hours and do something, but when I go on a date I like to relax and not try to rush through it!

We took this picture about 7 weeks after Will was born. We have come along way together. Marriage is such a precious gift. I thank God every day for sending me such an amazing man. I look forward to the next 5 million years together!

I spruced up the black and white of this picture by following this advice and then put it on a black background in photoshop. What fun!

Snow!

Winter has graced us with her presence for the first time this year and we are very grateful for the fun afternoon of snowy play. Usually it snows here for a couple of hours and then it starts to rain and all the snow melts, but this week it has stuck around for awhile longer. Olee set to work making some snow angels and pulling Will around in the new sled from Klara. Will did really great out there, we even went for a walk around the block to see some of the christmas lights and pulled him along in the sled, he was calm and happy the whole time, just taking it all in. Thank you Marmie and Poppa for outfitting the boys in their new winter gear!

New teeth!

Here is a few shots of our little Willy superstar. You will notice in the 2nd photo 2 teeth have emerged! YEAH! Teething is still in full force, as the drool and chomping on anything and everything is a constant. Also we have brushed the cobwebs off the jolly jumper and Will is loving it, it really comes in handy especially when I am cooking dinner!

Wow, it is hard to believe he is almost 5 months! After he was born I kept saying to myself, “I know this will get easier in about 5 months” and well, it really has in the sense that he is going to sleep earlier, napping more consistantly, and not needing to breastfeed every 30 minutes! The sleeping and nap bit is all thanks to the book ‘The no cry sleep solution’ by Elizabeth Pantly- a book that I freely recommend to anyone and everyone who has a young kid!

That is the blessing of the second child, I have a whole lot more perspective in knowing that things will change and get easier (well somethings get easier . Now that he is almost at the 5 month mark, it feels like it has gone by so fast, and really in the scheme of things, 5 months is a pretty darn short time. I know he will be running around by himself and then turning three and then graduating from high school before I know it! My job now is to treasure all of these young moments, to stay at his pace of life (not try to do too much, just sleep, eat and roll around on the floor!) and keep the 5 month perspective when I am at my wits end (that of ‘all this will change in 5 months!’).

29 years…

Well, you are 29 years young as they say. Happy birthday.
We came together to celebrate the day that you were born. A wintery december 2nd.
You came into my life 6 years ago and I thank God everyday that he sent you.
You, the one who blows me away by your courage, your honesty, your sincerity and your love. I am a better person because I have known you.
Thank you for sharing this life with me.

And your birthday dinner fit for a king!

perspective

On Wednesday a dark rainy cloud entered my brain. Fear about money and life transitions had entered and paralyzed my thoughts. I couldn’t shake it, I felt trapped in my own head, needing to get out and trust but not knowing how. I was depressing myself and my family with my sour mood and irritable character. Yesterday it was pouring down rain and so I couldn’t do my ‘taking pictures walk’ around the neighborhood.  I went into Olee’s room and looked out the window to see how hard it was raining. I ended up taking these pictures which in the end completely reflected my state of mind.

I see in these pictures that I couldn’t see beyond the glass. All I saw was how dirty the glass was. Everything beyond was a black and white blurry fog. Looking at it now I can see how the dirt smudges and water stains make some really interesting and even beautiful patterns and texture. Being able to see the tests and challenges after they have past I am able to discern beauty that I wasn’t able to while going through it. I had a good long talk with the spouse about all the little things that had been piling up and then the dark clouds lifted in my head and I was able to see clearly again. (Thank you spouse!) I also said this prayer 95 times:

‘Is there any remover of difficulties save God. Say: Praised be God, He is God, all are His servants and all abide by His bidding.’  -The Báb

This prayer is absolutely incredible, so short, but so powerful and has gotten me through alot of dark times.

Worm composting!

That’s right you heard me correctly ‘Worm composting’. What kind of weird hippie madness is that you say? Well let me explain… A few years ago my mother-in-law told me that she used to compost with ‘red wriggler’ worms up in the North West Territories of Canada in her basement! That’s right, inside the house. I thought, “No that is just weird, how could that be, composts are smelly and alot of work!” But she said that actually it is a piece of cake and the worms eat all the scraps and turn them into compost so that it doesn’t smell. She said she even ordered the worms from a farm here in BC. So on her last visit a few months ago she told us about it again and my wonderful husband asked me if I would look into it. I did a little net research and found this city sponsored program by City Farmer. You pay 25$, do a one hour worm workshop and get over hundred dollars worth of stuff. I thought, well that sounds simple enough! After being put on their 4 page wait list I got a call last month and a spot in the workshop. Yeepee! I was surprisingly super excited about it.

So this past saturday I put on my gardening clothes, kissed the boys goodbye and drove over to the City Farmer for some ‘Worm composting’. Here is a picture of the cool garden and cob shed they have at the demostration city garden at City Farmer:

Here is a demo worm composter in action. The bottom layer is the broken down compost that the worms live in, and then the food scraps, and then on top is a layer of dry leaves to keep the air flowing so that there is no smell:

In the workshop with all the smart enviro-conscious urbanites:

They loaded us up with a worm bin starter kit which included: worm bin, trowel, hay, worms, and a book called, “Worms eat my garbage” by Mary Appelhof:

Worm bins:

When I got home Olee, Shane and I set to work to set up our new worm composter. First we filled the bin half way up with the hay/newspaper mix (you can use dry leaves aswell):

Then we poured in a little water to moisten up the hay (has to be like a wet wrung out rag) and a few handfuls of dirt for the worms gizzard (you can use sand too):

Then we mixed up all the hay and water:

Next we uncovered one corner of the hay and Olee poured in the fruit and veggie scraps (nothing cooked and no meat either), each week we bury the scraps in a different corner of the bin:

Now onto the stars of the show, our new wormy friends:

A whole mountain of worms! 500 approximately:

A couple of lovely ‘Red wrigglers’:

Shane and Olee gently putting the worms into their new home:

Here is the City Farmers step by step worm composting slide show. These bins are meant for people living in the city in apartment buildings and condos because they are kind of smallish, but can be used by anyone and everyone. You can even make your own bin by taking a plastic bin and drilling some holes in the bottom and sides or making one out of wood- the possibilities are endless!

Thank you City Farmer for helping us (even if in a very small way) leave a smaller carbon footprint on this amazing planet of ours!

Seeing the subtleties of change

It is neat to see the seasons change from behind the lens of my camera. I find that I notice the subtleties of how the leaves look each week alot more then I did before. The bright reds, oranges and yellows are turning to browns and burgundies and slowly going back into the earth. Little mushrooms are popping up with the increased rains and the coniferous’ are standing out more as the other trees have lost their leaves. There is so much beauty in the details of nature, in all it’s forms, textures and seasons. I find it inspiring to take nature pictures in the middle of the city. In the midst of all the cars, people, buildings, cement and chaos, there is a beautiful, serene, peaceful and perfect world of nature, just doing it’s own thing- growing, dying, hibernating, growing again. Not concerned with the hubbub around it, following it’s own rhythm that is connected to all of life.

All of these photos were taken within a few blocks from my house, using my Nikon D40 camera and 50mm 1.8 lens with Aperture priority f 1.8.

Whale

A big one, creeping into my consciousness. Gliding majestically through the depths, coming up for air in periodic boughts, then head first diving down deep into the Sea. Every angle an arc of beauty. Every curve a confession of pure truth. Drinking in an ocean of water to filter in the tiny bits of krill gold. Graceful, speedy, slow, ponderous, mysterious, ancient, new, gentle, powerful. Tuned into the pulse and rhythms of the Sea. The only way it can be defeated is turning away from it’s own heart, following the skewed guidance of man and beaching itself upon the land…

Getting my ‘Break’…

It is funny how rhythmical life can be. I year ago I went through a small burn out stage where I needed to renew myself and spirit and take a break from everything for a while. This year at the very same time as last year (after Halloween and Olee’s birthday) I experienced the same thing. I got sick with a cold- an indicator I was doing too much, and then I heard these 4 simple words come out of my mouth, “I NEED A BREAK”…

As soon as I uttered them I immediately tried to reverse the sentence I had just bestowed upon myself thinking, “NO! NO! I was just kidding, I don’t really need a ‘BREAK’ really I’m good, uh huh…”. But it was too late, I did need a break that I wasn’t allowing myself to take. So the unconscious forces of nature played their magic and gave me a break… My thumb seized up with tendinitis and I by ‘accidentally’ poured a half cup of water onto my lab top keyboard, opps!

After that happened I cursed for a while then went away to do some thing else. When I came back later thinking that it had probably dried enough, I tried to turn on the screen and when it was just black with blue and purple stripes I thought: A) I’m an idiot for not asking someone who knows about this stuff before trying to start it; and B) That was an expensive mistake… But then weirdly I kind of felt relieved, like I could just relax and read a book with my free time, not ‘having’ to do all the computer stuff that I had been pressuring myself to do. I got my “break” unfortunately it was a broken computer and gimpy hand.

I have surrendered to the forces of nature and am allowing myself to hibernate for a while, to dive into the depths of fall and be ONE with my teething 3 and a half month old baby. So if you ever hear yourself say, “I need a break” but have not yet taking the steps to give yourself one, be prepared for life to give it to you!

fall

Fall is in full bloom here in Vancouver. Even the mucky garbage on the side of the street seems beautiful with the addition of the bright red autumn leaves. I have a hankering for hot mulled apple cider, some good introverted reflection time and spiced pumpkin muffins! Time to go and look up the recipe… The last picture is Olee and Shane’s masterpiece Jellyfish pumpkin they carved for Halloween. More pictures of Halloween and Olee’s birthday coming soon.