I have been pregnant for a long, long time (it feels like

In this picture I am 6 months pregnant, here with my boys and my sisters kids.

There has been ALOT of lying around on the couch during this pregnancy.

Shane made this gingerbread house during ayyam-i-ha with the boys from one of those kits that was sent over from Great grandma. The kids LOVED it.

The boys got matching lighting mcqueen jackets from Grandma, they are a very big hit around here!

After ayyam-i-ha ended, I set to work getting ready for baby. My sister and her daughter pulled down all the garbage bags full of baby clothes that we have been hoarding for the last 7 years. It was quite overwhelming and took me 4.5 hours to sort it all out and organize what I was keeping and what to get rid of.

Now 3 weeks away from Due date. I just have a few things left to get and clean and then we will be all ready for the birth of our new baby girl. I can hardly believe that it is almost here. I have had to simplify everything to the max this year, and had no leftover energy to blog, or paint or draw. I guess a lot of creativity goes into making a whole new person (and raising a family on top of it). I am so thankful that we have all made it this far and are still somewhat sane and healthy .

This is my little tree baby. The little one now growing inside of me. I started this painting when I found out I was pregnant again, as a kind of visual reminder of where this baby’s life really truly comes from, and that I have no need to worry.

Of course that didn’t stop me from worrying, or rather from thinking that I was going to have a miscarriage every five minutes of the whole entire first 11.5 weeks of the pregnancy. Since my last pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I was absolutely convinced that this one would too- I know- it was very irrational thinking, but that was what I did, and it would twist up my stomach into a huge knot every day.

All that change a few days ago, very very thankfully, when I heard the baby’s heart beat for the first time. That steady little rhythm was like a mental life preserver, and I felt like I could finally hold onto something else (hope?) for dear life. I also felt a deeper connection to this little one and a new love. Mercifully, this heartbeat came around the same time as the nausea started waning and small amounts of energy are starting to return, so it truly feels like the dawn of the 2nd trimester.

The visual reminder that I was trying so desperately to believe, is that this baby in essence belongs of God, is nurtured by God, and is breathed life into and fed by God’s mercy and bounty. That I am just a surrogate, a carrier, and the material componant to this baby’s life. Because ultimately who is breathing life into me? Who is making my heart beat until it doesn’t anymore? We are all here for a reason and for a specific time, everything has a value and a purpose. I have to believe the same thing about this little baby growing in me. That God has a plan for this little child that is way beyond my ability to comprehend. I can trust that and find hope in that, and also detachment if something did happen to it that is beyond my control. To know that their life has value even if it were to be incredibly short and that maybe they were needed in the spiritual worlds beyond for a higher purpose.

I finished the painting yesterday, a week after I wrote the last blog post about the miscarriage. I think writing that helped me to say good bye to the last baby and to embrace this next baby. Olee my almost five year old son saw this picture and said, “Mom, who is that?” (referring to the baby) and I said, “Well, that is baby muffin” (the name Olee gave to the baby growing in me now), and he said, “But that doesn’t look like a girl!!!!!”, and I said, “Well your right, sorry about that.” Olee is absolutely certain that it is going to be girl because he really wants a baby sister. We shall see

O Son of the Supreme! I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light to shed on thee its splendour. Why dost thou veil thyself therefrom? ~Baha’u'llah

I took these pictures a while back, a little while after I had the miscarriage. I don’t think I was ready to post them then. But now it being the same week in my pregnancy as when I had the miscarriage the last time, I have been thinking about and feeling incredibly emotional about the baby who has passed and also about the new baby growing inside of me.

When I was going through the miscarriage I think I cried for a solid 3 day straight. The tears just kept coming like they were being poured through me from some where else, I had no control over them. In the beginning as the miscarriage was happening but I wasn’t quite sure yet, I was completely devastated and felt so lifeless and helpless. And then when the blood started coming in gushes and gushes I new that the pregnancy was all over and that the little soul had already gone to the next world, and that there was nothing I could do. That is when I could start to accept what was happening and feel a sense of peace that the baby was in going to a much better place. The tears had kept coming of course during that point, but they had changed from complete misery and fear, into an all encompassing heart exploding love for this little soul. It is interesting that after the miscarriage I felt exponentially closer to the baby then I had before, the baby was all around me, in every thought and so deep in my heart.

I knew that it had happened for some reason beyond my comprehension and that his little soul was needed somewhere else.

The incredible thing that happened very soon after, is that I had this huge surge of creative energy come and I felt inspired like I hadn’t in years and years. I went out and bought my own art desk and set up our room so I could have my own space to do art on. I went and bought watercolor paper and started drawing and painting again, like I haven’t in seven years. And from me starting to do this, my 4.5 yr old son Olee started to as well. Normally I couldn’t get him to draw one line an a paper, and then all of sudden he was drawing falcons, moose, viking boats, and all kinds of things. It was really amazing.

I really think it was our little star (that is what we call the baby who passed, coined by auntie chelsea) that was helping us and inspiring us with creative energy from the spiritual world.

After I took the pictures (seen above) and came home and was thinking about them, I really felt so strongly that with death comes incredible new life. For me, it was that this death brought a new creative life, and a deeper awareness and understanding of those who have also been through a similar loss.

And now I am cultivating new life again within me (in the form of a baby not just creative energy), I know that our little star is with me every step of the way, helping the tears of love and grief to flow, and bringing me comfort when I feel anxious about this next little one.

Thank you for listening, this is really good therapy for me to write all this.

I am 2 months pregnant, and life has slowed to a near standstill. It feels like my limbs are all moving in slow motion these days and the couch is my favorite place to be. Therefore this blog is going to be taking a wee bit of a break (even though I have so many things to post) as my energy is going to growing this precious new soul and taking care of my other kids, my self and feeding my family. If there is anything left it is just enough to make it to the couch and pull the blanket over my head.

This pregnancy wasn’t planned, and since the last one ended in miscarriage, I am not quite sure what to feel about it, I am hoping that once we pass the 11 week mark (when the last one miscarried) I will feel a bit more relaxed about it. But until then, I guess I will just feel nausea, joy, uncertainty, love and detachment all mixed together in a big jumble.

Now time for a nap

A couple of weeks ago my sister and I and our kids went to Spanish Banks beach, which is 20mins drive from our house. We were fortunate to make it there at low tide. The beach stretched our for ever and ever. The boys had a great time and collected a whole bunch of shells to bring home.

When we got home, I set some of the shells out and did some ‘ blind contour’ drawings of them.

Then later I copied the one I liked the most onto watercolor paper with pencil and then pigma pen over top and then applied the watercolor paint. It was a really fun and simple exercise.

On Sunday, Shane, Olee, Will and I all went to a Scandinavian Midsummer festival. We went kind of inspired by Olee’s interest in castles and falconry, and that we were supposed to be going to a medieval festival, but shane got the days mixed up, so we went to this one instead (now Olee is really into Vikings!) The festival was awesome. Their were scandinavian people everywhere and they even had a viking village replica with real people dressed up how they would have back in the day with their canvas tents/boats/ and awesome viking things. What I loved about going through there, was that everything was made from the rich resources around them (or high quality things they plundered from their travels -but we won’t tell Olee about that part yet , they all carved wood, sewed leather, spun wool and traded their goods. What struck me about this was that everyone could make/do/ be apart of the community because they didn’t depend on getting their resources from some factory in China. Everyone grew up as an artist, artisan, warrior, etc. I really liked that part, and that everything was made by hand with care so that it would last. I also love the adventuring, traveling, toughness about the vikings, that they could handle any kind of weather/sea storm/environment and that they had a thirst for journeying to new lands in search of life. Needless to say I was inspired. When we got home I started sketching viking ships and then painted this one above. The shields represent the members of our family, including the little one in the next world.

I was thinking alot about a friend of mine who is originally from Norway but has moved abroad and is going through difficulties, she asked for prayers for her and her new family. This painting is dedicated to her. May the viking spirit help you on your journey dear one!

At the festival they had a little troll forest with little hoogli Norwegian log cabins. They are sooooo cute!!!! I definitely want to build one of them. They used sticks for the logs and put moss on the roof.

This picture was in the viking village, Olee tried on a ‘real’ viking helmet, but it was a bit too heavy for his head.

My parents are having their own Scandinavian adventure right now, and this is the real deal, I really wish I was with them!

What is the meaning of all of this? I wish I could say. The black and white tempest of my soul are looking for life in the smallest cracks and smudges. I feel like I am on a journey and not really sure where it is going or what it is that I am supposed to be doing, but know deep down that it is important. That even though I feel blindfolded, with my eyes shut and the world spinning around me, I have a compass deep inside that is pointing me in the right direction, and though I can’t see past the glass of my own window, I can feel the truth beyond and it is calling for me to listen.

Everyone is very excited about the new bunk bed, a gift from Grandma and Grandpa. We spent 3 hours yesterday putting it together, with help from my sister, olee, diego, shane (and the little ones mostly just tossed the nails around). At the end of the day I was still buzzing alittle from the experience, it was little putting together a huge puzzle. Today I came in the room and found Olee and Will reading together on it (when does that ever happen?). Olee decided not to sleep in it last night, maybe because Will wasn’t fully asleep yet, and when I came in to tuck olee in, Will was confused as to why we came in and started crying and screaming, which freaked Olee out and then Olee ran out and that was the end of that. We will see when and if he ever decides to sleep on it, but fun to play on none the less and I am sure eventually he will???.

The bunk bed idea was spurned on by the fact that my parents are coming to visit for 3 weeks and they will be staying in Olee’s room. That means olee will either decide to sleep on the top bunk, or keep sleeping on the floor beside our bed

On that note, we have decided to homeschool Olee next year for kindergarten, a decision that I am starting to get more excited about (and less freaked out about) every day. I guess because what do they really do in Kindergarten anyways? Play. Well we can do that at home. I am just going to take it one year at a time and see how it goes. I guess the biggest thing for me right now is trying to find the best environment for a sensitive child. We will see how it goes!

It has been awhile since my fingers have typed words on these pages. I feel like I have been on a lengthy adventure, and yet it also feels like just yesterday that I was taking pictures of easter eggs. I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I went on a trip ALL BY MYSELF, WITH OUT KIDS, to the island for a friends wedding last weekend. So many emotions have transpired since all of that happened and now here I am. Looking at these shots I took on my solo adventure (the first time I have been away from the kids in 5 years!!! It was soo incredibly awesome by the way.) I feel so much peace, joy and contentment. Life is mysterious and amazing.

1.On the ferry 2.My friends new baby 3.Under the lionsgate bridge 4. Sewell rock (?) in Stanley Park

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We had fun decorating eggs today. 1) We hard boiled them.  2) We decorated them with crayons. 3) Dunked them in bowls of colored water (Water, food coloring, 2 tsp white vinegar). Olee didn’t want his colored. 4) Then I hid them in the garden and Olee went looking for them. 5) We ate them for lunch. Yum, I love egg salad sandwiches. Happy Easter everyone!